Do you want to sext with the best of them? Of course you do! The only problem is, every iMessage thirst trap you try to set is empty, desolate—a dry tumbleweed wasteland. Your hesitant typed words are the embodiment of struggle. But you've come here because you're ready to graduate from amateur hour to writing your thesis in sexts.

As with all things in life, the only way to learn from your mistakes is to pick them apart until you feel so bad and pathetic about yourself that you either spend the rest of your life in a basement playing Warhammer 40000, or never ever make those same mistakes again. Shall we? Here's how you're failing at that sext game and what you need to do to keep your pale gray ellipsis on lock.