For those who really like the feeling of having the bejesus scared out of you, haunted houses are an enticing concept. Even the best scary movie won’t be able to literally jump out and grab you. Even those who aren’t easily scared might have to eat their words. And when Halloween rolls around, haunted houses take on a new significance, and often organizers go all out to really provide the screams around this time of year.
But not everyone is scared by the same things, and haunted houses pose a slew of logistic problems. Guests must either walk through the house at an equal pace, or unpredictable lines will begin to form, killing the entire haunted vibe. But if you rush guests through, they’ll likely feel even more offended than having to wait for hours in line. Similarly, if you’re a particularly popular attraction, your actors might be tasked with scaring literally hundreds of people a night. Even the best horror actors won’t be able to hit the mark every single time. If it’s been a long night during an even longer season, the enthusiasm might be hard to maintain, cheapening the experience for some visitors. Finally, if you’re going to be around for more than just one Halloween, you need to either innovate every single year and invest in new sets, new decorations, and new concepts yearly, or you won’t get repeat customers. Just thinking of all the planning that needs to go into such a business is exhausting.
But where there’s a business, there are Yelp reviews. Reviews for a haunted house tend to be pretty typical, and most visitors complain about waiting times or not being scared enough. But there are some that take it just that one step too far into the land of ridiculousness, which make hilarious lists like these possible.
The Naked Guy
This is a long review, so let’s focus on the part that matters here. “Why was there a naked guy with his soft penis flopping around?” Brittany asks (If I had a penny for every time I asked myself that…) Honestly, that’s a damn good question, and one which I would like to know the answer to.
TMI, Dude
This guy seems to really think about sucking a lot. A sucking expert, if you will. A Yelp review for a haunted house is certainly the last place you’d expect to be able to find evidence for Freud’s theories, but here we go.
The Human Colon
This review gets right to the point. First, the haunted house is not just scary because of music, a smoke machine, and some good actors. It’s got literal asbestos. Cool, I guess? Also, the house channels some The Human Centipede vibes and apparently involves some kind of regurgitation of the human intestinal system.
Overreaction
In case you needed just one more proof that Godwin’s law is indeed the one thing that is universally true throughout the entire Internet, take this dude who literally compares security checks to a concentration camp as an example. He even debased the sanctity of Yelp reviews.
The Real Haunted House is This Guy
I don’t even know where to start with this one. He seems to really enjoy the “young supple zombie tits,” which is doubly creepy: it’s uncomfortable close to some bizarre pedophilia-like territory, but also slight necrophilia. Instead of having men like this warn women about how much men will want to touch their bodies at haunted houses, how about we teach men like this to never leave the house?
Bad Sitcom Villain
This guy writes like really bad sitcom villains talk; I’m surprised he didn’t mention that he also rode off in his Ferrari. Besides the fact that it’s pretty hard to believe anyone would be so cruel as to give a young girl a dentist business card, this is actually a horrible review. It focuses on one thing that could have only happened to one person and glosses over any specific details about the actual haunted house. The bad sitcom villain is also an idiot. Figures.
Drama Queen
There’s constructive criticism, and then there’s this. Here’s a tip: when a dude tries to blame his shitty marriage on a haunted house, you can bet he’s not someone who has the best judgment. I seriously doubt the worst decision this drama queen has ever made was go to this haunted house, but even if it was, it just cannot be that serious. But hey, at least he has the courtesy to not want to shoot his brains out in front of his wife and friends.
Drag of the Century
I don’t think this was an intentional drag, but it is one of the simplest and most effective ways to simply destroy whoever organized this haunted house. Can you think of anything more boring and predictable than a “scary IKEA”? Savage.
The Only Thing Haunted Here Is Capitalism
Unlike all other reviews for this haunted house (in fact, unlike nearly all other haunted house reviews) this one makes no mention of the wait times, the set designs, or the quality of the scared provided. Instead, this disgruntled employee is complaining about unfair wages, because we all know the only thing haunted here is capitalism.
