It's a popular notion that a new year offers the chance at a new you. Remake yourself, each year announces, like a sleazy infomercial host in a flashy suit and fake pearl-bright teeth. But it's really fucking hard to remake yourself, to keep a resolution about finding a better job or removing inches from your waistline.
A question, though: would you rather be tasked with losing weight via some juice cleanse, or would you rather have to police your behavior and watch everything you say because you're a B-list celebrity trying to make it out of the gossip rags and into some Oscar winner?
Would you rather be you, at home, thinking about how your job doesn't let you see your family enough, or would you rather bear the brunt of public opinion about how you dance and potentially appropriate other cultures? Would you rather be you or Miley Cyrus?
Here are some celebrity resolutions for 2014. Have a laugh, because they probably won't be coming true.
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I promise to use my imagination harder. To use it like I use my cock, in other words. Which is really imaginative. Just as imaginative as, like, my sense of intellectual copyright or whatever.
Remind myself every day that it's 2014 and that the South will not rise again.
Totes gonna read some Virginia Woolf.
Learn sign language.
I will heed the excellent advice found on this NSFW tumblr.
Go on a juice cleanse.
Stop picking fights with Paris Hilton like it's 2006.
Hire a female African American cast member for my popular Saturday night sketch show.
Drink more milk.
I resolve to continue to report the important TRUTH about NEWSWORTHY historical figures such as Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy and Satan. They're all the white, by the way, except Satan.
I will wait more quietly for the Rapture.
Dance like no one is watching. More.
I will fly my flying dress higher than three feet above the ground in 2014. I will will fly it higher than the height of a human being! I will fly it higher than the giant nude statue of myself giving birth to the planet that Jeff Koons made for me!
I resolve to be nicer to my little fans. Especially little Bruno.
I resolve to stay in my unenvious postcode no matter how many invites to royal polo matches my newfound celebrity gets me.
Pursue yoga.
Trust the person who told me to make Spring Breakers; stop trusting whoever told me to record a Buju Banton cover.
I promise to leave Japan alone, regardless of how cute all those little people are, with their fun clothes and what not!
Stop letting my security hold me back.
Eat more vag...uh, vegetables.
I will continue denying the Holocaust/volunteer more in my community :)
Let's face it: I'm not going to stop screaming at people. However, I will start a change jar for racial slurs and homophobic language. Who's got a quarter?!
Brush my tongue.
I will never ride a motorcycle in a music video without a helmet again.
I'm good.
