New York City's Parks Ranked By How Good They Are For Drinking 40s

Image via Complex Original

Neighborhood: Greenwich Village
Address: East 14th St. and Broadway
Side-eyes from passersby: 24
Police presence: High
Optimal Seating: Bench 
Natural beauty: 1

Union Square Park is overrun by a chintzy Christmas village and clueless tourists this time of year, making an already imperfect drinking park even worse. Though there are ample benches in the tiny park, good luck finding one you can have to yourself. Odds are that you'll have to share with a harried Whole Foods clerk on their lunch break, a couple on a half-assed OKCupid date, or a holdover from Occupy Wallstreet. Crowded quarters, obnoxious street performers, and the farmers' markets make this the worst New York City Park for those seeking forty ounces to freedom.

Neighborhood: Grammercy
Address: The intersection of 5th Ave. and Broadway at 23rd St.
Side-eyes from passersby: 12
Police presence: Medium
Optimal seating: Shake Shack Chair
Natural beauty: 1

This park is known for two things: pretentious art installations and Shake Shack. Though we appreciate the easy-access drunk food, this park simply doesn't offer much for the public drinker. The tiny park is only three blocks by one block, and even the most low-key lush will stick out like a sore thumb among the joggers, dog walkers, and burger eaters. Besides, if a park's most appealing landmark is a burger joint, can you really call it a park?

Neighborhood: Greenwich Village
Address: 1 Washington Sq. East
Side-eyes from passersby: 20
Police presence: High
Optimal seating: Ledges
Natural beauty: 0

Washington Square Park is a park in the same way that Buzzfeed's employees are journalists: that is to say, in name only. There are few trees in Washington Square Park and the only grass you'll find is being smoked by NYU undergrads and was paid for by daddy's dotage. You won't see birds or animals here, but you will be hassled into signing a petition and guilted into financing some busker's assault on New York City's eardrums. We would rather brave the horde of bros drinking at 3 Sheets or Off the Wagon than enjoy our 40s at this "park."

Neighborhood: West Village/Chelsea
Address: 122 Gansevoort St.
Side-eyes from passersby: 30
Police presence: Medium
Optimal seating: Benches
Natural beauty: 4

You would've thought that the Highline would provide the perfect brownbag-drinking backdrop, as the park offers a gorgeous river view and an eyeful of appealing architecture punctuated by art and vegetation. While the Highline is hands down the best park for nabbing international babes, it's one of the worst for drinking 40s. Even on a weekday, the steady flow of confused tourists harshed my mellow. If you venture out to the Highline on a weekend, you'll need several Colt 45s just to cope with the ceaseless flow of visitors packed like cattle onto the upcycled train tracks.

Neighborhood: Between Upper East and Upper West Side
Address: 830 Fifth Ave.
Side-eyes from passersby: 40
Police presence: High
Optimal seating: Horse-drawn carriage
Natural beauty: 8

Iconic Central Park may be the ideal spot for rom-com meet-cutes, but it's far from perfect for placing yourself under the influence. Just when you start to get your buzz on, some group of Nebraskans or Norwegians will come along and ask you to take their picture. If you post up in a more scenic portion of the park, you'll be lucky to get twenty minutes of drinking in before you find yourself in the middle of an engagement photo shoot. Though Central Park is vast, you can't walk five steps without getting in someone's way. Take your parents to Central Park. Take your alcoholism elsewhere.

Neighborhood: Flushing, Queens
Address: 11101 Corona Ave.
Side-eyes from passersby: 2
Police presence: Low
Optimal seating: Under a tree
Natural beauty: 7

There's nothing wrong with Corona Park. The open, verdant park even offers peace of mind to visitors who aren't socially lubricated. The problem is that this park is so damn far from everything. By the time the permanently delayed 7 train gets you to the park, you'll likely have downed at least a 40 and half (for the mathematically challenged, that's sixty ounces). The surroundings are only tranquil because no one wants to come out this far besides Mets players' wives. A quick cost benefit analysis will likely convince you that you're better off getting tore up on your stoop than making the trek out to farthest Queens.

Neighborhood: East Village
Address: East 7th St. and Ave. A
Side-eyes from passersby: 0
Police presence: Medium
Optimal seating: Chess Tables
Natural beauty: 1

In this age of chain restaurants and corporate bars, we place value on authenticity when choosing our dining and drinking destinations. If an authentic experience is high on your list of priorities, look no further than Tompkins Square Park. If you want to sip your Colt 45 next to actual homeless people with actual mental illnesses drinking actual forties, then Tompkins is your spot. If you go, be sure to make a pit stop at the public bathrooms to add an extra dose of realness to your experience. 

Neighborhood: Astoria, Queens
Address: 21 Hoyt Ave. N
Side-eyes from passersby: 5
Police Presence: Low
Optimal Seating: Cement Ledge
Natural Beauty: 6

You heard it here first, hipper-than-thou Brooklynites: there is a reason to come to Astoria other than the Beer Garden. It's true that Astoria lacks legitimate nightlife, unless you are aching to spend your evening in a Greek discotheque famous for its laser lights, bottle service, and dudes with partially unbuttoned shirts. Daytime boozing is a different story; New York's premiere neighborhood for boring twenty-somethings is a premiere destination for those packing a brown bag liquid lunch. There are a number of breathtaking views in this park for you to gaze upon as you gulp; we recommend bringing a lawn chair and posting up on the cement upper deck overlooking the swimming pool. You aren't likely to be hassled by cops here either; the park is sparsely attended as long as there isn't a quinceañera being held. Astoria Park is the best reason to go to Queens since that girl you were banging in your improv group.

Neighborhood: Upper West Side
Address: 475 Riverside Dr.
Side-eyes from passersby: 4
Police presence: Low
Optimal seating: Railing
Natural beauty: 8

Lay down your burden down by the riverside. This narrow park is an ideal destination for those looking to get inebriated. Riverside Park has a lighter police presence than a Jimmy Buffet concert, thanks to the rows of ritzy high rises that keep the park out of sight and out of mind for the city's poor. Though dog walkers and North Face wearing joggers will periodically interrupt you, you'll largely be left to drink in peace and enjoy the breathtaking view of Jersey as you relish the fact that you don't live there.

Neighborhood: Washington Heights/Inwood
Address: 1 Margaret Corbin Dr
Side-eyes from passersby: 7
Police presence: Low
Optimal seating: Museum Steps
Natural beauty: 9

The most notable attraction in Fort Tryon Park is, of course, The Cloisters. For the uninitiated, The Cloisters house a collection of Medieval art and architecture. To maintain a reflective mood around all of that old ass art, there is a quiet zone surrounding the museum. This means that Fort Tryon is the one park in the City where you can truly down your booze in peace. If art isn't your thing, the majestic view of the Jersey Palisades and the Hudson River is the perfect compliment for drowning one's sorrows. It's hard to find a peaceful moment in the bustle of Gotham, but grabbing a malt beverage and heading for the hills of Uptown might be your best shot at serenity.