Game of Thrones has taken over. With the HBO juggernaut set to conclude one of the most blockbuster, united viewing experiences the TV medium has ever seen in a mere two(!) weeks, every online publication, magazine, blog, medium and the like is publishing takes, predictions, reflections, etc. like a content fire sale. It's a lot to sift through, a lot of it is redundant, some of it is barely more reputable than Reddit fanfic theorizing. Producing material that has a chance of standing out amidst the fray is the real challenge. Complex threw its hat in the ring in the walk-up to the season premiere with this incredibly nerdy but fun-to-look-at glossary. But we're in the great game now. We have two episodes to go and an audience that wants to be engaged in the six days between them, and a jillion other sites publishing the same episode recap.
So instead of me, a day one fan of the series over-prosing my musings on each episode and uselessly projecting where the series might go, I said yes when former Complex employee Zach "P Chopz" Frydenlund jokingly-but-also-seriously volunteered to review the episodes for us. The catch: he, despite being an HBO subscriber who purports to watch good TV, has never, ever seen this series before. He didn't binge any episodes or recap videos in the lead-up. He's going into each episode colder than the Night King. These are Chopz's unfiltered, first-impression thoughts during a live viewing of Season 8, Episode 4, "The Last of the Starks" This is the antepenultimate episode of one of the greatest sagas of all time. But how does it play on its own merit to a Cleveland boy who once asked me what a scanner does and regarded True Detective Season 3 as a bigger event? Let's see.
Ok, so listen. Before we get into Episode 4 of this damn show that is thankfully almost over, let’s talk about the Night King real quick.
For six months, maybe MORE, I'd see people on Twitter talking this dude up like he was some GRAND villain that should be up there with the likes of Heath’s Joker or the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. I was expecting a Thanos-level adversary; someone to root for while he murders thousands. Fast-forward to last week when y’all’s man went out in a FLURRY like it was nothing. That was it. Poof.
Props to Arya for the Bruce Lee like caginess, but come on. Months of build up for a couple of hits and an overall disappointment. No wonder Drake likes the show, it’s like one of his albums. [Wow]
That was mean. Here are my Episode 4 predictions.
- Bran dies. For the love of God, just do it.
- Arya dies. This shit needs a swerve. Let me write the show, cowards.
- Tyrion turns heel. I don’t even know what that means in terms of his character but he’s going to do some shady shit.
- Jon Snow and Dany say fuck everyone and start having public sex. BTW, I have recently found out that Dany gave birth to the dragons. How the fuck.
To be honest, I really usually never know what’s happening, but tonight I really, really don’t know what’s about to happen now because it doesn’t seem like anyone does. Who is even the bad guy right now? They should just assume it’s Bran and kill him. That’s what I would do.
[The North vows to remember]
- Oh look, I don’t have to turn the brightness up to 166 on my TV for this episode. Thanks, HBO.
- RIP Theon. Died protecting Bran’s punk ass. Horrible way to go. Should have let him die.
- Dickless army update: Down to 1. Fight on. [Who wants to tell him that the whole army Grey Worm commands is comprised of, uh, "dickless" men]
- Shoutout to the dog! He lived! Frazier said he was going to tell me his name but he lied. [Shit, my bad. It's Ghost. And apparently, that's the last we'll ever see of him, which is actually kinda sad.]
- Jon Snow with a weak ass speech. He might really be Pat Shurmur.
- And my HBONow crashed. Wow. I hate this show. Might just watch Barry instead.
- Oh, they’re burning bodies. Pretty sure that’s how the plague spread.
[After the Long Night, it's the after party]
- I might be Sansa Hive now. She’s way cooler than Dany.
- Oh my mans Gendry looking for some post-battle CAKES.
- These motherfuckers celebrating after winning a wild-card game at home. They’re about to get murked.
- Everyone having fun and here’s Bran, being fucking creepy.
- Nobody envies you, Bran. Don’t worry.
- My guy Tormund the last real one on this damn show.
- This is all leading to a drunken orgy. I’ve seen this before. [Um, where?]
- Dany looking mad shady. Don’t trust her. Not one bit. She about to do some wild shit. And she was already fucking her nephew so the wild scale for her is really wild.
- 40 Year Old Virgin 2.
- Tormund should bag the blonde virgin lady.
- Or not. That was quick. Good for my bro.
- Yup, one big orgy.
- Wow, Arya with the denial. A+ level curve. Hell of a way to be put in the friend zone.
- This episode is legit only about fucking. WTF.
- Jaime pulling up from half-court like Dame.
[Daenerys cucks Jon]
- Oh no, here comes some incest to the party. Thanks, Jon and Dany.
- THEY'RE FUCKING RELATED AND THEY KNOW IT WHAT THE FUCK
- UGH YEAH YOU CANT FORGET THAT YOU YOU'RE FUCKING RELATED DANY
- Word is you can stream this episode on PornHub as well.
- Well, Dany, it fucking can’t be the way it used to be. Because you’re fucking related.
- DANY SCHEMING ON SOME SHIT I DON'T TRUST HER. She's about to do some WILD shit. I’m not ready.
- Someone give Bran a lap dance. Maybe he’ll stop acting weird.
[The Starks gather by the weirwood tree one (last?) time]
- This sounds like a terrible plan. Cersei about to kill all of these fools.
- Jon………… What the fuck. You hoe. He’s legit dumb.
- I have no idea what’s going on but the Dany and Sansa tension is real.
- If Arya don’t trust you then I don’t trust you. Fuck outta here, Dany.
- Thanks for weighing in Bran. Real helpful stuff.
[Tyrion appeals to Bronn then Sansa]
- Tyrion's my new favorite character. Love this guy.
- Who is this guy? If he has problems with Tyrion then he has problems with me. [Bronn was in the season premiere, are you paying any attention?]
- “I still got a few killing days left.” THAT'S A BAR
- Why the fuck is this episode so long?
- There’s legit no way that Sansa doesn’t tell everyone about Jon lmaooooo. Sansa gonna SING like Tekashi.
- This show is like 45% less interesting when Tormund isn’t on screen.
- Oh, Sam is here. Big loser. But congrats on the sex, buddy.
- Omg Sansa sang lmao
- Tyrion trying to suggest incest marriage. Already questioning my decision to ride with him.
[Daenerys and her team sail back to Dragonstone, the base she previously operated from but since left totally unguarded, information she totally didn't expect her enemies to use to their advantage]
- HOLY FUCK DEAD DRAGON [Rest in power, Rhaegal]
- This is some Master & Commander-type shit. Never saw it, but they were on similar boats per the trailer. [Me neither, honestly]
- I forgot that dude who is banging Ceresi’s name but wow he killed the fuck out of that dragon
- THEY AIN'T PLAYING HOLY SHIT
- What a fucking power couple.
- Oh man, they captured Dickless man’s girl.
- How the hell did she give birth to a dragon! [She means she hatched the eggs, you idiot]
- Does that make Jon and the dragon cousins????? [Of all the things to wonder about from this episode this is #756 but now that you mention it...]
- Dany about to bring the fucking fire.
- Tyrion and this bald dude on a big scheming tip. Big Treason SZN
- Bald-Headed Dude is going for it.
- This Jaime and Brienne storyline boring AF. I legit don’t care. [Well those of us who invested five seasons in this relationship do!]
- Jaime's a piece of shit, wow.
- Gave it up to him only for him to leave days later. Damn.
[The Dragon and the Lion square off]
- They couldn't find more troops? WTF
- This seems like terrible strategy
- Tyrion taking matters into his own hands. A real leader.
- Who knocked up Ceresi????????? [Jaime. But she's lying and says it's Euron's. But she also might not be pregnant at all.]
- Well, fuccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk.
- DANY WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?????????
Episode 4 in the books. Some thoughts:
- Ceresi is a badass. Watch her win this whole damn thing.
- Dany is a horrible leader and Queen.
- How do you have Arya steal the show like that last week and then she’s only in this episode to curve dude?
- How do you not having Bran fucking explain the fact that he can morph into birds? [Morph, lmao]
Final thoughts: That episode moved slow as hell for almost nothing to happen.
None of my predictions happened. There’s only two episodes left and yet there doesn’t feel like any stakes. THE NIGHT KING WAS KILLED FOR THIS? What the fuck. Boring. Can’t wait for people to tell me how sophisticated this episode was. And that it’s just setting up things. Zzzz. This season has been three setup episodes. What the fuck. Only two left. Thank God.