As much as we beg, Tiffany Haddish is not going to tell us who sank their teeth into our beloved Beyoncé. That’s because, as she explained in an Instagram Live session, the comedian signed a non-disclosure agreement on the matter. Bey is notorious for using NDAs and locking down info that is strictly need-to-know, so this revelation comes as no surprise. “NDAs are real, so I’m not saying shit about nothing,” Haddish said on Instagram while getting her hair done.

Haddish teased her viewers, who were obviously watching with bated breath, waiting for the scalding tea. “You wanna know who bit Beyoncé? I’m gonna just tell you all. And it’s the last time I’m talking about it, I ain’t going to say nothing else about it. Let me sip some of my tea,” she said while sipping a glass of water. “I’m going to tell you who did it then I’m never talking about it again because really it’s done. People should be focusing on the real issues at hand, like did you do your taxes? Because taxes is due real soon. Can your children read and write? Have you been working with them on their reading and their writing? Is your house clean? That’s what we need to be focusing on. But y’all wanna know, everybody’s going crazy about who bit Beyoncé. I’m going to tell you so this can all be done with.”

The Girls Trip star then made a fool of all who were watching. “I’m going to tell you who bit Beyoncé: it was Stormy Daniels,” she joked. Nice one, Tiff. “Pay attention to what’s really going on!” she said. “That’s not real news—Who bit Beyoncé is not real news!”

Bey herself, according to a source close to the singer, doesn’t want her assailant to face the Beyhive’s wrath. But many, like Chrissy Teigen and myself, just want to know because we’re curious. Unlike Chrissy, most of us not famous or well-connected enough to figure it out on our own (please Chrissy, we’re desperate).

So far Lena Dunham, Sara Foster, and Sanaa Lathan have all been suspected culprits—and all three have denied the claims. But Haddish does have a point. Could all this time spent on finding Bey’s assailant have been put to better use? Is this emblematic of our desperation to focus on anything but our crumbling government? Does it even matter #WhoBitBey?

Of course it does! Hopefully someone cracks and finally gives us the goods.