God almighty. I don't even know how to start this off...

Okay, so first: we're all aware of the extremely cultured television program, Maury, yes? OK, great, let's check that off. Second, let's get something straight—blackness is not something you can pick up and put on just because you feel like it. It sure as fuck isn't a Halloween costume, and it's also absolutely not something you can change about yourself. You either are, or you aren't. Rachel Dolezal tried it, and she was quickly gathered and removed from the paint as a result.  

Screenshot via YouTube

Now that we have that cleared up, we can proceed. Meet Martina Big, a recent guest on Maury. A German white woman, Big apparently decided she was tired of living the Caucasian life. So tired of it, in fact, that she made the decision to transition into a black woman. 

Stay with me. We're gonna get through this, OK? So, again, Martina Big started out as a white woman, and decided she wanted to be black. Unlike Dolezal, though, Big took actual steps to drastically change her appearance. Her "transition" process included supplements that darkened her skin, lip implants, a nose job, various lipo procedures, and an incredibly unconvincing kinky weave. If you're confused about the watermelons hanging off her torso, Big said that was done previously, back when she wanted to look like the very white Pamela Anderson. 

Maury Povich, host of the acclaimed Maury show, asked Big why she chose to do this to herself. While rocking a gaudy "Black Girls Rock" necklace, Big proceeded to give a set of absurd answers.

"Martina, do you think you’re a black person?" Maury asked. "Yes," Big replied. The audience immediately and understandably erupted, prompting Big to add, "But 80 percent. I have to learn a lot. I know."

"You know, Martina, everybody who’s watching this, who’s a person of color, are going to say it’s not just skin-deep," Maury continued, leading to a raucous response from the black people in the audience. "Do you think you want to learn about the black culture, you think you can absorb all of that?" Big replied that she already "feels" the change, and rambled on to say that hopefully, she won’t need extensions much longer—you know, once her blond hair starts to "naturally" grow in darker.

"Being black is not about extensions," Maury responded incredulously.

And so fucking on, and so fucking forth. If you want to watch this foolish human being explain her foolish decisions, scroll to the top of this page and be my guest.

The esteemed Paul Mooney had some very poignant words about situations just like this. The P.C. version: everybody wants to be black, but nobody wants to be black.