Jeff "Make America Alabama Again" Sessions recused himself from Russian investigations Thursday amid calls for his resignation. By Stephen Colbert's estimation, however, Sessions' recusal wasn't necessary in light of the fact that he'd already made an even bolder move weeks earlier: He totally fucked himself.
"Big news today out of the Kremlin," Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "I'm sorry, I misread that. White House. You know how there's all this smoke about the idea that Trump and his folks colluded with the Russians to influence the election, and the Trump people are saying, there's nothing to see here? Well, I spy with my little eye, the attorney general of the United States. It turns out Jeff Sessions spoke with the Russian ambassador twice during Trump's campaign."
After rolling a clip of Sessions' confirmation hearing, Colbert expressed bafflement at his choice of words. "[Al] Franken didn't even ask if you were involved," Colbert said. "Why did you volunteer to lie?" The reliable Colbert also had a finely tuned Sessions impression ready to go, consisting of equal parts imitation and echoes of this:
And Sessions' explanation for that answer and the recently disclosed communications? As Colbert explained, it kinda sounds like someone explaining away infidelity by a peculiar technicality. "Honey, I wasn't having sex with her as your husband," Colbert joked. "I was humping her in my capacity as a member of the armed services panel. Totally different."
But let's focus on that recusal. According to Colbert, Sessions' self-fucking should suffice. "You called yourself a campaign surrogate, then you lied under oath that you never met with the Russians," Colbert said. "So you don't have to recuse yourself, because you've already fucked yourself. We don't have to bleep that, right?" Correct. No bleeping on Complex, Stephen.