What a week. Apple killed the aux cord, Tyga reinvented his whole thing, and the universe mourned the death of Swiddleston, a.k.a. Hiddleswift, a.k.a. Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston's (possibly fake) relationship. But don't waste too many of your valuable tears on what could have been. Let Stephen Colbert do the mourning for you. Also, why are you mourning this? Kinda weird.
"Hiddleswift has called it Hiddlesplits," Colbert informed his bummed Late Show audience Wednesday. "I'm especially sad about this because their love was in the press so much that I thought I was part of it. In a way, it feels like they broke up with me." And how does one properly say goodbye to a makeshift threesome? With an acoustic guitar and some handy Photoshop skills, of course.
Keep it together, Stephen. There are things far more worthy of your mournful songwriting skills. Take, for example, the fact that Oregon's beloved 18-million-year-old Duckbill rock formation was apparently destroyed by a raging group of bros hopped up on uncut douchebaggery.
Dead rocks aside, what actually went down with SwiffleTom anyway? According to Us Weekly's international super spies, Tom was all about the PDA and Taylor wanted a bit less of all that. "Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with," one detective said Tuesday. "Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection, but Tom didn't listen to her concerns when she brought them up."
PDA: once again confirmed as not cool at all.