Spencer Pratt Reviews Fall's Biggest Movies

Image via Complex Original

Director: Antoine Fuqua

Stars: Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke, Byung-hun Lee

Release Date: September 23, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎💎💎

The Magnificent Seven has me way too hyped. I recently tried to watch the original and I think that you got to be really into old time-y westerns movies, because I love Clint Eastwood movies but...

This is like Denzel’s Training Day but [he’s wearing] a cowboy outfit. And then obviously my cousin, Chris Pratt, looks so awesome. It looks like what I wanted out of Cowboys vs. Aliens, which is like a big-budget action western. But, my only problem with my cousin is that he makes everything a little too funny. I just hope my cousin, in this great cast, will roll back. I hope that it’s a rated R, stone-cold, Western, big-budget, revenge-killer type movie. 

Aside: Maybe I’m just not hip, but does Kanye West have a monopoly on trailer songs right now? There are a lot of good trap rappers right now that they can get for a lot cheaper. As much as I love Yeezy, it’s starting to be like all of these trailers are Yeezy videos. Maybe I confused somebody. I thought I watched more than one trailer with a Yeezy theme song. [Editor’s Note: According to the internet it is not a Kanye West song in the trailer.]

Will He See It In Theaters? I’m 100 percent going. That’s locked in. [Editor’s Note: Spencer went and saw this in the theater last weekend]

Director: Tate Taylor

Stars: Emily Blunt, Justin Theroux, Luke Evans, Haley Bennett

Release Date: October 7, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎💎

That trailer was so good that I debated actually reading the book, and then I was like, “I don’t think I am going to read the book.” I think I am going to get the audio book. It looks like a Gone Girl without Ben Affleck, and I liked Gone Girl. I’m glad Emily Blunt gets to use her actual British accent because I know she hates Americans and America so much. That made me really thankful for her, like, “Oh that’s good that she doesn’t have to pretend to be somebody that she hates.” I don’t know if she really is on the train? Did she forget? I don’t think she killed the girl, but then there’s all those cuts of that girl getting like choked down—I think she’s a bondage chick. I don’t think those scenes are actually from her killing. Those are her boyfriend getting Fifty Shades of Grey on her. 

Will He See It In Theaters? ​I don’t know about in the theater. My thing lately is that, because I’m trying to diet, if I go to the movie theater, I am not kidding, I get a large popcorn, Red Vines, and Milk-Duds. And 90 percent of the time, I sneak in a burger with avocado, onion rings, french fries and a large root beer. I am trying to have abdominal muscles sometime in my thirties, so now, I’m really picky about movies vs. diet. So am I really going to see Girl on a Train in the theater? No, I don’t think so. If they stream it, I will gladly pay 10 dollars. 

Director: Edward Zwick

Stars: Tom Cruise, Cobie Smulders, Aldis Hodge

Release Date: October 21, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎💎💎💎

I’ve read every Jack Reacher book. Some I’ve actually read twice. I love Tom Cruise, a.k.a. TC—I don’t call Tom by his name. I love the first one even though it had a little soft PG-13 issues. I know PG-13 generally gets more people in the theater, but based on how violent he is in the book, it should be R. Even though Jack Reacher is supposed to be six feet tall and 230 pounds, I can see TC’s spirit in him. 

Will He See It in Theaters? Yeah, that is 100 percent in theaters. I would see that before The Magnificent Seven. 

Director: Barry Jenkins

Stars: Andre Holland, Mahershala Ali, Janelle Monae, Trevante Rhodes

Release Date: October 21, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎

The trailer threw me off. In my imagination, I think he has come back and he’s thugged out now, when before he was getting bullied in town. If that is the case, I wanted to see more of him rolling up all like, “What’s up now, boy?” But if that has nothing to do with this, why do you need me to believe this? 

Will He See It in Theaters? This is not theaters for me based off of my diet issues but I would see it in theaters if I was someone who was supposed to be at Sundance and I was walking the Park City streets. If it was the movie I wanted, a revenge movie [where he gets] back at everyone who picked on him in high school, maybe I’m going. But this, no. But I’m sure it will win some awards for how they don’t have Kanye’s music in the trailer. 

Director: Scott Derrickson

Stars: Benedict Cumberbatch, Rachel McAdams, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Tilda Swinton

Release Date: November 4, 2015

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎

I wanted to get into this but then I started thinking, if I saw this in theaters, I would get dizzy. It was like Inception meets the beginning of Batman where the monks are learning to be the dark shadow guys. I was into it and then I was like, "Nah, maybe a little more crystal." Like their cage of operation is in the mountains in like a crystal cave...it felt like there was a lot of opportunities for crystals that weren't there. But I don’t know these Marvel actors, I never even heard of Dr. Strange. I was like, who is this guy? I thought it was a comedy. I would’ve honestly seen Dr. Strange as Sacha Baron Cohen. 

Would He See It In Theaters? I think I would see it if it was rated R. But again, am I going to go see a kids movie on a Friday or Saturday night? I am in my thirties. Half of adults stay home on the couch. It had moments of Inception coolness, but I don’t think so. Then again, the bad guy could change everything...

Director: Jeff Nichols

Stars: Ruth Negga, Joel Edgerton

Release Date: November 4, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎

Oh, this one almost got me crying during the damn trailer. This is horrible. I just watched that movie with Matthew McConaughey where he is fighting for his love and his home (Free State of Jones) and that already got me all emotional and angry, like I’m never going to the South again, what the hell. Then I saw this and I thought, “God, history is so shady.” It’s good that these movies are out, because you don’t have to read the history books or Wikipedia. It’s just that they don’t evoke this level of emotion, this love. 

Will He See It in Theaters? I wouldn’t go to theaters, but I’ll definitely watch it on Apple TV. I don’t need to go to the theater, but maybe Heidi will be like, “Let’s go, it will be a romantic date.” But it’s not romantic, it’s depressing. 

Director: David Yates

Stars: Eddie Redmayne, Colin Farrell, Jon Voight, Katherine Waterston

Release Date: November 18, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎

Heidi’s obsessed with Harry Potter. I’ve read every book, even that new wanna-be Harry Potter book that isn’t really Harry Potter. There is an interview where Eddie Redmayne drops my name so I’m a fan now. There is not enough crystal balls in the trailer—like, how are there magicians without crystal balls? What is going on here? Where are the curators, or whatever they are called? We also need some crystal wands. This first wand is so 1800s.

Will He See It In Theaters? I’ll see it with Heidi and she’ll love it. I wasn’t like, “Oh my god this is the best movie ever,” but I will see that in theaters because every now and then, it’s only fair we see a movie that Heidi will like, not just Kill, Kill, Fight, Fight, Fight, Everywhere.  

Director: Mark Waters

Stars: Billy Bob Thornton, Christina Hendricks, Tony Cox, Kathy Bates

Release Date: November 23, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎💎💎💎

I’m not even kidding, we watched Four Christmases 80 times. All Heidi ever wants to do is watch bad Christmas movies, so there are a few that I like, like Bad Santa and Elf. They are a lifeline for me. The trailer, it wasn’t a trailer but more like a tease, or a Vine. Let’s call that a Vine. 

Bad Santa is heavy—it’s not just a comedy, it’s dark comedy. That’s a masterpiece. It would be like saying is Big Lebowski 2 going to be as good as Big Lebowski? I don’t think it’s possible, but it will definitely be in my Christmas rotation. But no, it can’t beat an original.  

Will He See in Theaters? I am 100 percent in on Bad Santa 2. I don’t know if we’ll see that in theaters though, it might be at home on the couch. 

Director: Damien Chazelle

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, John Legend, Finn Wittrock

Release Date: December 9, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎

I’m a huge Ryan Gosling superfan, because we were cohabitants of the same penthouse for two years in downtown LA and partied together super hard—lots of off-record things I can’t even say. So yes, I will even watch a musical with him because that’s how hard I support his career, all the way back to him trying to murder Sandra Bullock [in Murder By Numbers]. I had to watch it twice to be like, what's going on here? Why is there so much singing? And I was like... Oh! I don't like Emma Stone! I think Emma Stone sabotaged herself dating Spider-Man. I would've rather seen JLaw singing with Ryan. I'm sorry. You know what? No! My first thought was: this should've been Rooney Mara. I'm sorry, Emma, I'm not trying to take you down. 

Would He See It in Theaters? I don’t know about theaters. I would see a live show of it if there’s a theater version of it. I would take Heidi on a date night on Broadway and see that. 

Director: Gareth Edwards

Stars: Felicity Jones, Riz Ahmed, Diego Luna, Forest Whitaker, Mads Mikkelsen

Release Date: December 16, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎

Oh my god. The second they put Stormtroopers on a Fiji beach, I was like this is the smartest freakin' person on Earth. Never, if you'd been like, "Spencer, write a Star Wars spin-off," would I have thought, let's put them on a beach in Fiji! That visual alone has me seeing that in theaters. Stormtroopers marching through the tropical palm trees is just so brilliant. I actually think that looks better than the one I just saw with a million British people. 

Wagner Moura should be the lead, not this British chick. That's how good that trailer looked. I can't even tell you who the actors were because the landscapes were so visually stimulating, then they were all talking and I was like, go back to Stormtroopers. 

Will He See It in Theaters? Yes. Opening weekend. And I'm not even a hardcore Star Wars fan. Even though I did cut the line at Westwood Village after people spent the night out there for three months when I was in high school. There was a kid who went to my school who stood in line with his crew for, I'm not kidding, a month and a half. He had a tent. It was before any of these pop up shops, before Supreme. That Friday night, I rolled up next to him and I was like, "Yo, I'm getting in this line." Boom! Straight up player status. And I rolled with my dad—even got him to cut. 

Director: Justin Kurzel

Stars: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons

Release Date: December 21, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎💎

That one made me want to start playing the video game. I've never seen the video game, but the movie looked so good. What's his name [Michael Fassbender] is like the best actor ever and he's dating my favorite actress [Alicia Vikander]. I wondered why didn't they put her in there with him? She would've been a dope Assassin's Creed assassin. Then they would have the on-set romance snapshots that we'd all be looking at right now. This is a movie I'm all in for, but if they're heavily relying on CGI like that fantasy one? I don't like when they look like video game commercials. 

Will He See It in Theaters? I'll see Assassin's Creed in theaters. I don't know if I can talk Heidi into that one, but I'll see that. I'm a Fassbender fan. He's the only reason I liked those X-Men movies. 

Director: Mortem Tyldum

Stars: Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt, Michael Sheen, Lawrence Fishburne

Release Date: December 21, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎

The article you gave me about Passengers [Editor’s Note: Spencer didn’t see the trailer for this one because the trailer wasn’t released at the time we talked.], that seems more like something perfect for my cousin, because unlike The Magnificent Seven where I wanted it to be joke free and just Wild Wild West killing, I think you can joke when you're possibly dying on a spaceship falling to nowhere. They were worth the $40 million it cost to get them for that. That's a solid duo. I'm just really upset for Anna Faris. I'm sure Anna Faris is like, "Oh, so you're in a movie with Jen...nnifer." If they didn't have a kid I could see this as a Mr. and Mrs. Smith type of situation.

It's gonna be like Titanic but instead of a boat it's a space pod? In the breakdown, it said that they try to go out into space—it's like, why would you think floating in space would be a good idea. You have George Clooney and Sandra Bullock next to you? It's gonna be like Gravity with more sex. 

Will He See It In Theaters? I'll see Passengers in theaters. Not the first week, but probably the third week when nobody is in the theater at 2 o'clock on a Wednesday. 

Director: Stephen Gaghan

Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Bryce Dallas Howard, Edgar Ramirez, Corey Stoll

Release Date: December 25, 2016

Spencer’s ~Crystal~ Rating: 💎💎💎💎

First off, I love Matthew McConaughey. So I'm already in just off of that. And I love gold more than any rock. I really felt bad watching the trailer because it seems like he's not gonna end up with all that gold. His baldness is almost upstaging what he was doing. I think he's definitely trying to get an Oscar again. Doesn't he already have one? It's also like the The Wolf of Wall Street spin-off War Dogs with Jonah Hill. Like, is Jonah Hill gonna link up and sell the rebels guns? Is Jonah Hill gonna pop up and have a little eyeglass thing and touch the gold and be like, “Is this pyrite?” I hope Jonah Hill's in it; I think he'll definitely go for that Oscar Best Supporting Nominee... 

Will He See It In Theaters?: Definitely all in on this one. It seems like a matinee type of movie. This is one of those movies I feel like you watch in theaters, and say “Yeah, I just saw Gold with Matthew McConaughey.”