Perhaps no other semi-unrequited love story hits viewers as squarely in the heart as the saga of confirmed fashion gods Doug Funnie and Patti Mayonnaise. The fate of Doug and Patti, as central characters on the Nickelodeon and Disney classic Doug, has been a source of frustrating mystery for fans for what feels like eons now. But series creator Jim Jinkins, speaking candidly about the possibility of a Doug reboot with Entertainment Weekly Tuesday, has finally decided to offer up some clarity.
"I've written the scene," Jinkins told EW before launching into a harrowing tale of real-life Doug Funnie-isms that's sure to inspire you to never try at anything ever again because, shit, what's the point? According to Jinkins, he had a chance encounter with the real Patti surrounding his ten-year reunion. Though lengthy, Jinkins' full story is definitely worth a read. But here's the moment of Doug-altering truth:
"She just looks spectacular and she's so happy, and her arms fly up and we hug, and I'm just like [frightened guttural gasping noises]. She backs up and she goes 'Look, Jimmy! Boobs! I got my boobs!' [Laughs.] It sounds like I'm making this up, right? And I'm like, ‘Yeah… yeah, uh huh!' 'Yeah, they always used to call me Flatty Patti, but look!' And she was just funny and fun and innocent, but it's like Doug and Patti together again, ten years later, right?
So this is all wonderful, right? And then she wheels and goes, 'Oh, Jimmy, I want you to meet my husband.'"
According to Jinkins, Disney (current Doug rights-holder) doesn't seem to be very into the idea of bringing Doug back anytime soon. But that hasn't stopped him from gathering "assorted stories and scenes" that could potentially, should Disney ever change its mind, be shaped into a full-on screenplay. As for the would-be love between Doug and Patti, Jinkins says not all hope is lost in the search for a happy ending. "Doug has this friend of his, a girl, who he's always pouring his heart out to about how [Patti] is killing him," Jinkins told EW. "Naturally, I guess maybe it's a little predictable, but that's the one."
BRB—crying my eyes out.