The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt actor Tituss Burgess and I are drinking Pinot Noir together on a Tuesday afternoon (“Absolutely… NOT,” he replied in dramatic fashion when I asked if ordering Pinot Noir was too on the nose), but he’s singing about something a little different. He belts out this tribute to white wine while surrounded by several paintings of horses, a portrait of a rich white man, and a statue of Lady Justice in the middle of Capital Grille, a midtown Manhattan joint that smells like money and steak.

There’s a pause before I realize what he’s singing about, then a gasp, then full-on laughter.

Tituss has reappropriated his iconic Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt anthem “Peeno Noir”—what his character calls “an ode to black penis”—into a tribute to Ben Affleck’s white dick. 

It’s taken six drinks for him to get to this point. 

The first three were shots of espresso. “Lord have mercy,” he said after the first taste. An hour ago, Tituss was barely saying a word, and I was worried that my preconception of the actor—shaped almost entirely by his chatty, flamboyant Kimmy Schmidt alter-ego, Titus Andromedon—would be shattered.

But by his fourth drink, a Diet Coke, he started turning up during his photoshoot. “I’m just thinking, Beyoncé,” he said between sips and shots, as if an imaginary wind machine had just come on. 

Which brings us to Ben Affleck’s dick. The actor comes up in conversation not because we’re talking about the extremely topical Batman v Superman, but because of 2014’s Gone Girl, the last movie Tituss saw in theaters, and fell asleep during. “Guess what? I was gone, girl!” Tituss exclaims before we both explode in laughter. “But I woke up in time to see Ben Affleck’s wee-wee. Girl, he did us all a favor. So nice of him, so considerate.” He sighs and looks off into the distance, as if recalling a fond memory. “The Hallelujah chorus started playing. It was fast, but the imprint is in my mind forever.” 

He continues, unprompted: “I fell asleep during The Dark Knight Rises, I fell asleep during The Hunger Games, all of them. I cannot stay awake. As soon as a movie starts, I’m asleep!”

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