Spencer Pratt Reviews SXSW Movies, Pt. 2

Image via Complex Original

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Elijah Wood, Sky Ferreira

Our Synopsis: This is an action thriller. Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood both play cops with the Las Vegas Police Department who are bored with their jobs. But then Nic Cage discovers this really high bail receipt and realizes there’s a bank vault and that he can be part of this heist and get really rich. He asks Elijah Wood’s character, who works in the evidence room, to help him with it. They are both unskilled cops so things go wrong. Also, Sky Ferreira is in it. 

Spencer's Review: Damn, I can’t hate on a hobbit. And I can’t hate on Nicolas Cage because he has a major crystal collection. He has the biggest amethyst in the game. A hobbit and him starring in a movie with a chick that’s famous for being super edgy? I don’t know. Well, if there was free popcorn, Red Vines, and Milk Duds, I think I would sit through it. Just for my support for hobbits and crystal collectors. But if they weren’t in the movie it would definitely not happen.

Starring: Keegan-Michael Key, Jordan Peele, Will Forte, Method Man

Our Synopsis: So it’s basically John Wick except with a cat. Key and Peele play these normal dudes who lead really normal lives and Jordan Peele’s character is super sad because he just got dumped, but then this adorable kitten shows up on his doorstep. Then the cat gets kidnapped (or catnapped) by a bunch of drug lords. In order to get the cat back, Key and Peele go undercover as gang members. Part of the comedy is that they are so not gangster, and are totally unequipped to handle this situation. 

Spencer's Review: First off, I don’t think anything is funny about a cute kitten getting kidnapped. Second off, I'd rather see John Wick 2. Third off, if I want to watch animals get rescued I would rewatch Ace Ventura. And I don’t even know who these Key and Peele guys are. I don’t think they are funny.​

Starring: Michael St. Michaels, Sky Elobar, Elizabeth De Razzo​

Our Synopsis: This has been buzzing as one of the most disgusting movies of the year. An old father and son (the son is maybe 40 years old) live together and all they do is eat the greasiest shit possible. They both fall in love with the same woman and compete for her attention. They both fuck her in really disgusting ways. Even their prosthetic dicks look really gross.​ There’s also a killer in town called the Greasy Strangler—he's the father, who disguises himself with oil all over his body and kills people. People’s eyeballs pop out. It’s really gross.

Spencer's Review: Ew! I’m not down with dicks in movies, so no thanks for me. ​I don’t even like looking at greasy people in public, let alone paying to see a movie with dirty people. I’m way too sanitary. I shower like four times a day. I don’t even use a towel twice. Anybody who does is asking for mildew.

Starring: Ethan Hawke, John Travolta, James Ransone, Taissa Farmiga, Karen Gillan

Our Synopsis: This is a Western film by Ti West, the horror director. Ethan Hawke stars as a lone wanderer going through the desert by himself on a horse with his pet dog. He’s trying to get to Mexico, but then he passes through this town, nicknamed the Valley of Violence. He offends the town’s deputy, who gets so mad that he and his crew of dudes kill Ethan’s dog. Then Ethan gets revenge by killing each person one by one with the help of a young innkeeper girl.

Spencer's Review: So it’s cowboy John Wick? Well, you kind of lost me with him taking his dog through the desert. That sounds like animal abuse. I was kind of not feeling that. But then when you told me he kills everyone who messed with his dog... I don’t know. I’ve seen enough dogs getting killed in movies. I’m pretty over that as a dog lover. So, I don’t know. I do like Ethan Hawke a lot though. He was really good in Shakespeare in Love. [Ed. note: That was Joseph Fiennes.]

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Carmen Ejogo, Callum Keith Rennie

Our Synopsis: Well, if you are still a fan of Ethan Hawke and not just Joseph Fiennes, then this next one is also an Ethan Hawke movie. It’s a Chet Baker biopic, about the famous trumpet player...

Spencer's Review: You lost me on biopic. I’ve seen two Steve Jobs biopics in two years. I think I’m done with biopics for the rest of my life. I tried playing saxophone in middle school and I hated trumpet players. So, that’s a no go. Actually, my homeboy Eric—shout-out Eric—he used to be a trumpet player. I still would rather watch Eric play the trumpet than that guy. I would watch Eric's biopic 'cause I would be all up in that shit. Charlie Hunnam would play me in a movie. He’s the good-looking, cool version of me. He’s got a flesh-colored beard. That’s all we have in common. But the fact that he’s British, I wouldn’t be totally behind in his portrayal of me. Those damn Brits. You know what? I would want Shia LaBeouf to play me, actually.

Starring: Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Edward Norton, Michael Cera, Jonah Hill, Salma Hayek, Nick Kroll, Paul Rudd, Craig Robinson

Our Synopsis: This is basically food porn but animated. It’s about a bunch of sausages at a grocery store who think that when they get purchased there’s this really great world outside, but they slowly realize they just get eaten. But of course there are so many dick jokes and there are sausages fucking hot dog buns. There are a lot of racial jokes too. It’s basically a Pixar film, but very R-rated.​

Spencer's Review: Oh my god! Get out of here with these. Where are you, a porno festival? ​Well, Heidi always does make me want to watch animated movies, so if I had to watch an animated movie, I would probably pick this over The Peanuts Movie. And Seth Rogen did tweet me. I love Danny McBride and I went to middle school and high school with Jonah Hill even though he hated me and I hated him. I don’t know if I’m trying to see cartoons have sex, but it sounds like there’s some funny jokes.​ I’m pretty classy, so I don’t know.