Stephen Colbert, the only true voice of the American people, has some potentially lifesaving tips for your presumably abysmal Oscars party this Sunday. Banking on Leonardo DiCaprio's long overdue Academy Awards acknowledgement for his (almost) perfect career? That's a fine thing to bank on but under no circumstances should DiCaprio's victory (or loss!) define your Oscars evening.

"Is everybody excited for the Oscars this weekend?" Colbert asked his Late Show audience on Thursday. "I think some of you just screamed no!" The presence of well-screamed disapproval notwithstanding, the bevy of knowledge Colbert then unleashed on the American public is unparalleled.

"Don’t make the same mistakes the Academy did," Colbert insisted, referencing the ongoing #OscarsSoWhite controversy and the criticism of Hollywood's widespread diversity crisis it inspired. "Be sure to have a diverse guest list. If all your friends are white, you are a racist." As for what to serve one's guests once they arrive, Colbert has a decidedly frugal suggestion: that leftover chili from your equally abysmal Super Bowl party.

For any snubbed actors and actresses still looking to avoid horrifically lame parties such as this, Colbert has a potentially controversial idea on how to get back in the game. "You’ve still got two days to make the 'in memoriam' reel," Colbert said to the gasps and giggles of his audience. "How bad do you want it?"