George's, a George Costanza-themed bar, has opened up on Melbourne's Johnston St. You've definitely heard about this, because it became global news after Jason Alexander himself tweeted about the establishment. George's is approximately 1km from Smith Street's Biggie Smalls, a kebab restaurant that generated its own flurry of media attention, offering styles including the 'Juicy' and 'Lil Cease'.
With the success of these two spots, it seems a formula is developing; pick something Gen Y-ers are nostalgic about (Seinfeld, Biggie), attach it to something they enjoy (food, booze) and profit. Inspired by George's and Biggie Smalls, we're about to open up a few themed spots of our own. Peace out publishing, it's been real. Time to get paid.
A*Mazing: The Bar
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The bar for all those wanting to combine fond memories of their '90s after-school pre-homework sessions, and their current rampant alcoholism. It’s a requirement that all drink orders be submitted by typing them out on a giant sized keyboard with only your feet. While you wait for your beverage, you can take the chance to watch preteens in overalls and backwards hats play Super Nintendo incredibly poorly – and don’t worry, yelling at them about the trash job they’re doing on that first level of Bubsy is very much welcome. Of course, you could always try your hand at finding a free drink in the maze, as long as you’re not put off by wrestling it off that creepy rat puppet, or touching a monkey’s body in various places in order to retrieve your reward. Don’t spend too much time in there though, because that revolving door puzzle gets a lot more claustrophobic after you’ve had a few. Oh, did we mention that the bar only serves sherry?
"Gobbledoks" A Laneway Bar
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The Gobbledok is, unquestionably, the most terrifying thing ever seen on Australian TV. This weird little Ewok-looking mutant, apparently from Dok the potato planet, is another example of how unusual the pop culture landscape in Australia really was in the 80s.
This thing scared the shit out of me, and many other kids of the time. The creepy Dark Crystal-inspired animatronic face, the sly look in his eyes and the fact that this furry little deviant spent his time lurking around in shadows, made the Gobbledok the most twisted advertising tool in memory.
The Gobbledok bar would be a dimly-lit dive, a favourite of inner-city types in 2016, and also rich with opportunities to be a total creep and pop up out of the darkness to snatch up somebody’s chips/wallet/sense of safety. Chips would feature heavily on the menu, but you can also order a single peach to sit there slurping on in the darkness; because you're at Gobbledok's, and you're a total weirdo.
The Hey Hey It’s Saturday Pop-Up Bar
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A boutique bar open only on the titular day, owned by Daryl Somers himself, who can often be seen wandering around the venue desperately clutching a Logie and muttering something about Hey Hey coming to Netflix in 2016. Your local mixologist, Red Symons, trades barbs with barflies while whipping up his signature drink “The Gong”, as Dickie Knee sits next to you and forcefully interrupts any conversation you might be having with your friends. Meanwhile, Plucka Duck uses only his disproportionately dainty legs to cycle a bike in the corner, powering a swinging carousel of various bar snacks for you to choose from, or settle for depending on your dexterity. There’s a bit of mystery about their chosen venue too – if you stand in the right spot and listen closely, some say you can still hear Russell Gilbert making poorly formed dad jokes and laughing obnoxiously. Make sure to take advantage of the in-house entertainment as well; for an extra fiver on the door, an on-site caricaturist will intermittently thrust a crude cartoon in your face about a joke that you made at least seven minutes ago. Show up in blackface for a free drink card!
Round The Twist Kebabs
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Have you ever…ever felt like shish? If so, drunkenly stumble your way up the spiral staircase to pay a visit to this out-of-the-way restaurant, which maxes out the hipster-meter and your Uber fare by being situated at the top of a lighthouse in Aireys Inlet. Be aware that you’ll need to follow the rules here very closely, though – if you’re ordering, your server will completely ignore you unless you end each sentence with “without my pants”. That, and if you get out of line, their security is a sentient scarecrow straight out of your childhood nightmares.
Despite these quirks, our personal recommendation from the menu is the “Spaghetti Pig Out”, an Italian-inspired kebab that tastes just as good going down as it does inevitably coming back up. And don’t forget to pay a visit to the bathrooms at this venue either, as a regular literal pissing contest is a highlight attraction.
Naturally, a troupe of actors playing the Gribble family will execute a variety of hair-brained schemes to stop you from ever devouring your late-night snack – they’re also unfortunately both accountable for, and victim to, the majority of alcohol-fuelled violence in the local area.
A Cigar Bar called Fads (Formerly Fags)
