The 'Star Wars' Guide for Beginners

Image via Disney

Star Wars is a series that is rich with lore from a variety of different angles––and a lot of it doesn’t matter anymore. The Star Wars Expanded Universe was pretty much disbanded after Disney took over the property from George Lucas’ hands, and they rendered a lot of the comic books, cartoons, and novels that were canon pretty much useless after the fact. They said that the move was done to bring the stories more in line with the universe, but let’s be real—they did this to undo the damage that the Star Wars Holiday Special did to Christmas. If this is your first go-round with Star Wars, don’t bother with anything but the first six films.

It’s the argument that is older than the infamous “Are Hot Dogs Sandwiches?” debate (they aren’t). It all started after George Lucas made a divisive change to one of the most famous character introductions in movie history. Harrison Ford’s depiction of Han Solo was initially written to be a grimy bounty hunter turned hero with morally ambiguous goals who would grow throughout the series to become a hero and ally to Luke Skywalker and the gang. To hammer this point home, during his first scene, Han (who has a hefty bounty on his head) is depicted shooting the equally untrustworthy bounty hunter Greedo dead to protect himself. During his infamous reimagining of the original trilogy in 1997, Lucas confusingly changed the scene to have Greedo shoot first, not Han. This, of course, pissed off fans who cite the change as one of the most disrespectful changes in the remastered original trilogy, and it has divided the community for years. Lucas said it was his intent from the start, defiantly calling out fans who wanted Han to be a “cold blooded killer.”  However, an original version of the script found this year pretty much called bullshit on that, with definitive proof that Han shot first. For his part, Harrison Ford doesn’t give a shit. Your best bet is to not get caught up in this, go along with the grain, and agree that Han shot first.

The 1977, 1980, and 1983 versions of the Original Trilogy are the only ones you should ever watch or bring up. Sure they have their small issues, but that’s part of the charm. George Lucas began to royally fuck up these movies with the 1997 re-releases, and then he did it again in 2004. He would have probably done it again in 3-D had Disney not taken over and told him to chill out. Even though the remasters attempted to bring the series up to date with regards to sound and picture quality as well as a timely tie-in to the just-released prequels—they also have some jarring CGI and additions that smother what made the originals so fun to rewatch. Don’t even bother with them—just buy the originals in the best quality possible on Amazon here. They aren’t completely faithful, but they were taken from the 1993 LaserDisc version, and that’s good enough for a binge watch before Episode VII releases.

There’s no if, ands, or buts about this one. You may find a few fanboys in line that give a little bit of sympathy for Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith, but let's take a hard stance on this one—these movies were awful. There’s a lot of exposition about intergalactic trade, some crap about clones, and a hell of a lot of story beats that ruin some of your favorite characters—most notably Anakin Skywalker, who becomes big bad Darth Vader. His journey to despicableness starts with him as a whiny kid you want to die, then a whiny teenager you want to die, and finally a whiny adult that you want to die. When he does become Vader, during the last fifteen minutes of Episode III, it’s an empty feeling. You will have sat through hours of the problematic sambo alien named Jar Jar Binks, and laughable dialogue/acting between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen. Some brave fans have attempted to make the prequel trilogy not-trash, and if you have an extra three hours you can watch one of the best fan-edits of the prequel trilogy here.

One of the greatest twists in cinema history is the reveal that Darth Vader is main protagonist Luke Skywalker’s father. Revealed in the closing moments of The Empire Strikes Back, it is a moment that stands the test of time as far as movie twists go for how it changed the perception of how deep this little Space Opera could go. There’s a chance that there will be a lot of people screaming, “Luke, I am your father,” out loud at your screening of Episode VII. Join in on the fun, and even slide in how awkward it was to have Luke kiss his sister Leia during the movies too. Yes, Star Wars even has incest!

At the time of this writing, we don’t know much of anything about Episode VII, much less if John Boyenga’s character Finn will indeed become a Jedi (the mythical organization that gets to do all the cool shit in the Star Wars series). The image of him holding a lightsaber was enough for closet racists to go crazy after the release of the trailer earlier this year though. But it’s important to note that Finn wouldn’t be the first black Jedi, That honor goes to Samuel L. Jackson’s Mace Windu from the prequel trilogy. I’m not sure how that was lost on the hundreds of people who boycotted the movie a few months ago, but it’ll be cool to see them squirm when TFA drops.

Probably the biggest faux pas among the Star Wars faithful is erroneously butchering the names in their official canon (there goes that word again). Just remember a few things: Jedis are noble do-gooders, “midichlorians” are nonsense, The Dark Side is the space version of The GOP, “May The Force Be With You” is an appropriate farewell in conversation, and lightsabers are cooler than swords.