2015: The Year in Savagery

Image via Complex Original

Date discovered: September 16, 2015

Savagery rating: A gang of mischievous little monkeys

One doesn't want to judge all of Russia about this—hopefully there was a line at the supermarket's bathroom that this kid was casually strolling through. The thing is, were there no other bathroom facilities in the area? Or is this kid just a particularly sneaky kind of savage, with no care in the world (and a pretty insane was of shaking shit out of his drawers) about where he lays his feces?

Date discovered: September 21, 2015

Savagery rating: The empty bellies of 1,000 NYC subway rats

You think times are hard? Try being a starving rat who scored a huge slice of pizza but had to drag it home on the subway steps. Imagine the filth and muck that accumulated on this cheese-y slice. 

The struggle is real, and during real times of struggle, you have to knuckle up and get savage.

Date discovered: June 14, 2015

Savagery rating: One Shawn Michaels superkick through The Barber Shop window

You know a fight is savage af when the first hit is a headbutt. Apparently these two guys in Maryland weren't having it anymore, and started squabbing inside a Subway. The wild thing is, it looks like the guy who ate the headbutt (that ended up making the headbutter bleed) wasn't digging the fact that his teeth got knocked out. Feels were felt, and he was bent on destruction... which meant headbutter gets thrown into the Subway window. 

Pure savagery that deserved an arrest.

Date discovered: August 23, 2015

Savagery rating: Panic! At Some Girl's House mashed up with "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" (the Lil Jon remix)

This is the kind of stuff you can't make up—who has to stop having sex with someone and hide under their bed because their mom came home early? Zea did. And while his Snapchats were pretty savage (the whole "she gets off at 10:30" while showing that it was currently 10:21PM was nuts), it was our interview that really brought the savagery full circle. Not too many people can break down this kind of story with lines like “Finish? Hell nah, I ain't about to die over some bap ass vagina.”

That's Zola-level storytelling.

Date discovered: November 10, 2015

Savagery rating: One unsanctioned, after-hours parking lot twerk-off

We're not sure what was popping in Washington, D.C., but this guy got sexually assaulted in a gas station by two women...via twerking. For some reason, these two women were either REALLY into this anonymous dude, or they had plans to seduce then jack him, but they seemingly couldn't keep their hands off of him, with reports of twerks, crotch-groping, and all-around hanging onto him. What's crazy is the attendants in the gas station chose to do nothing.

Seems like he was truly shook up over this daylight savagery.

Date discovered: July 4, 2015

Savagery rating: Lake Placid: The New Chapter

This is just one of those things where, to quote Katt Williams, "you shouldn't have been talking shit."

Apparently a 28-year-old Texas man went to a spot near a restaurant to swim, totally neglecting the "No Swimming. Alligators" sign. It's then reported that the guy kept saying "fuck that alligator"... and then he got getting eaten by it. 

It sucks, but a) signs are there for a reason, and b) alligators give zero fucks. Don't tempt them.

Date discovered: October 7, 2015

Savagery rating: Six empty boxes of wine

Everything is wrong with this. Off the rip, you'd think that getting drunk and white water rafting would be a no-no, but these sisters didn't stop there. B-b-b-but wait it gets worse! These two started having a knockdown, drag out fight WHILE THE RAFT WAS GOING DOWN THE RIVER! 

It's hard to tell what would've even started this, but it must've been serious. Bonus LOLs for a) the person with the oar in her boat calling them "fuckers!," as well as dude filming it shouting "YOU'RE RUINING THIS!"

Don't drink and raft, fam.

Date discovered: September 23, 2015

Savagery rating: Four empty squirrel bellies

While Pizza Rat is the "dragging food down the street" savage, Shake Shack Squirrel took it to another level by jacking a milkshake cup out of the garbage. Do squirrels really rock with milkshakes like that?

Whatever the case may be, there was no way you were taking this milkshake from Mr. Savage Squirrel.

Date discovered: October 13, 2015

Savagery rating: All of the defeated pigeon emojis

OK so what would drive a pigeon and a rat to be locked in mortal combat out in Williamsburg, NY? Did the pigeon see a rat grabbing at a pizza crust and said "nah, f*ck that, this is my turf?" Was the rat just tired of people feeding pigeons but shunning the rat population of New York City?

Weak commentary aside (seriously, just shut the hell up and record the savagery), this is almost three minutes of what REALLY goes down in real life.

Spoiler Alert: The rat eventually overcomes the pigeon, and with the strength of 10,000 rats, lifts and carries it to its lair, where we imagine it was refrigerated until Rat Thanksgiving, where the whole squad got to feast.