How to Date in 2015

Image via Complex Original

You know in TV and movies when people pick up that technological device and put it to their ear, dial 8 numbers, and then have a conversation with someone they are romantically interested in? SHIT IS DEAD. “Call Me Maybe” is now a touchstone of yore. The voice died in 2015 for good. R.I.P. Look at that cell phone sitting next to you long and hard. Don’t you DARE call a person you are interested in having sex with. And so help you god if you leave a voicemail in 2015.  

Here’s one way you have to contact a person you’re interested in: Texting. You’d think life would be grand without having to speak on the phone. Wrong. It’s even worse. It’s everything wrong with talking on the phone times 100. Texting leaves every opportunity for miscommunication and general human shittiness. I had multiple relationships end over text this year. It’s a practice we all thought we’d rise above until we actually had to deal with real human emotion. It’s the norm now and it blows. 

As if texting wasn’t hard enough, texting with emoji is an art form in and of itself. If you use the wrong emoji, you could fuck up a relationship forever! If you use too many emoji, you look like an overeager try-hard! HOW ON EARTH DO ANY OF US FUNCTION?

To add a layer to this hellscape, sometimes people have read receipts turned on. Read receipts are a feature you can turn on to indicate whether or not you have read the text yet, and they are the devil’s work. If you are one of those people with them turned on, you’re a garbage human and you know it. I don’t know if there’s anything worse than when you know your crush read your text but he hasn’t responded for hours, days even. Texting with your crush who has read receipts on should be a torture device implemented across nations.  

In 2015, Snapchat is another means to communicate with someone you are romantically interested in. When Snapchat was first introduced, people thought of it purely as a way to safely send skanky photos. We were thinking small. This year, I’ve noticed a huge spike in people using the Snap Story feature, which is essentially everyone’s very own personal video diary. Now you can catch glimpses of your crush’s life and see if it’s something you’re into. I say Snapchat is the new first date. The first date serves as a way to figure out if you’re attracted to someone. Snapchat is now a way to see that from the beauty of your own toilet. Also I’ve heard it’s a knife right to the heart when you see your crush hanging out with other girls..hey what’s that over there?!

We’ve all ghosted a buster when we were young fools, and I was reaaaally hoping we’d leave ghosting in 2014. Dammit, it held on with a vengeance. “Ghosting” is when someone completely disappears like a ghost. Not the friendly kind that lingers in your house. One day you’re talking with someone, and the next day you’re dead to them. Let’s all leave this horrible behavior in 2015 and be better people next year. 

Urban Dictionary says it best when they define Netflix and Chill as “SEX.” The term started on black Twitter in late 2014. White people jumped on the bandwagon in January of 2015 and now it’s beaten to death. (The history of the term is outlined on Fusion if you want to know more.) 

Great, now that that’s clear, I want to take this opportunity to talk about something that’s been on my mind. Forget the sex part. Actually watching Netflix and chilling with someone should be our collective life goal. Think about how hard it is to find something to watch on Netflix alone, then suddenly add another person with their own movie preferences to the mix. This isn’t 1995 when people had a collection of 10 VHS tapes and those were the only options. Signing into Netflix is like jumping into an abyss of options and praying you come out alive. If you actually can Netflix and chill comfortably with a person, that means you were actually able to pick out a movie on Netflix together over and over again. You life partner that human IMMEDIATELY. 

I can’t lie: I dated someone I met on Instagram this year. Since Instagram integrated the direct messaging feature at the end of 2013, it has unintentionally become one of the greatest dating apps of our time. 2015 was the year where it became the norm to reach out to strangers on the app you want to know. The location tags and hashtags make it ridiculously easy to find someone with whom you have shared interests, and the photos they post of themselves and their surroundings give you a good understanding of their personality and how they want to be perceived by the world. Thanks Obama. 

Just don’t accidentally deep like one of their photos or you can kiss the life as you know it goodbye. 

(Lifehack: A lot of celebrities haven’t figured out that you can block messages from strangers. Many a night, my friends and I have sent the cast of Entourage pictures of our bunions, because we CAN. What a time to be alive.)

In NBC’s summary of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s report, the amount of reported cases for STIs has skyrocketed. More than 1.4 million cases of chlamydia were reported in 2014, which is the highest number ever reported. Around 20,000 cases of syphilis were reported in 2014, which is the highest rate in 20 years. More than 350,000 cases of gonorrhea were reported, up 5 percent from 2013. 

Reasons for the increase? One major factor is the decrease in state and federal funding going toward public health clinics. Donates to Planned Parenthood. Another major reason is that thanks to incredible HIV-preventative medications such as Truvada, we live in a time where people aren’t dying from AIDS,  so you jerks are getting cocky (heh) and not using condoms. This shit has consequences if left untreated, such as infertility, so get tested, get treated, and use protection. 

Not only can you still slide into DMs, but also someone still might live tweet your public breakup. 

Venmo is a beautiful, beautiful little app that allows you to send money to your friends. It’s also a beautiful, beautiful little way to see who is secretly making out with whom because they’re idiots and didn’t make that shit private. It’s also a super creepy way to see what your crush is up to on a random Wednesday night because they probably paid their friend back for pizza. 

Cough *Gavin Rossdale* cough *Ben Affleck* cough. 

Bumble is not a heterosexually-exclusive app, but In the heterosexual dating realm of the app, traditional gender roles are abolished and it’s great. Unlike OKCupid where it’s a free-for-all, or Tinder where every dude on there is a creep, when a man and a woman match on Bumble, the woman has to talk to the man first. She only has 24 hours to start a conversation or they unmatch, so conversation actually happens. With women starting the conversation, this usually eliminates dudes being pervs. Usually. For the most part, men actually treat women like people on this app, which is, you know, chill. 

Here are my New Year’s Dating Resolutions for 2016:

1. Date a nanny. 

2. Get a cast member of Entourage to respond to one of my bunion pic DMs. 

3. Someone live tweets my public breakup. 

Nervous to see what new trends 2016 brings, but we’re in this together, fam. See you in the new year.