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Remember when a slightly different version of Stephen Colbert ran for president? What a time. Of course, the confirmed national treasure is now manning the Late Show ship with equal parts grace and unabashed silliness. Somewhere between those two concepts lies Colbert's long overdue participation in that whole #BabyHitler nonsense that seemed to spring to life with that explosive @NYTMag poll, only to fizzle out just as quickly. However, Republican presidential hopeful Jeb! Bush apparently just heard about it and promptly issued his response of "Hell yeah!" in a previously reported interview with the Huffington Post, thus dragging the #BabyHitler debate back into the Twitter spotlight.
"Now, I’m not running for president, but here’s what I would do with a time machine: I too would travel back to the time of baby Hitler," Colbert told his audience on Tuesday. "But here’s where me and Jeb’s time streams start to diverge, because I wouldn’t kill young Adolf. I would take him from his parents and raise him with love. I would give Hitler a safe, supportive home. All the while, I would watch him like a hawk."
Colbert also revealed that he wouldn’t let this theoretical Baby Hitler "join anything where they have to wear a uniform," which of course rules out the Cub Scouts, Little League, and marching band. However, if this Baby Hitler gets "mouthy" as a teen, Colbert has a plan: "I’d stick a knife in his ribs and snap off the handle." If the mental trauma of his adopted father violently stabbing him ends up inspiring him to become a "monstrous dictator" anyway, then Colbert promises to go back in time and kill the baby version of himself to make amends. "You’re welcome," Colbert said.
It’s worth noting, as the Daily Beast already has, that Colbert may have had a hand in bringing this whole #BabyHitler thing to life. In an October sketch featuring Tom Hanks, Colbert casually asked the actor if he would kill Hitler if given the luxury of time travel: