When resident "honey-glazed tiger testicle" Donald Trump and confirmed American hero Stephen Colbert finally faced off on Late Show earlier this year, those hoping for a Colbert Report-level battle were left gravely disappointed. In fact, Colbert even took the opportunity during the bizarrely calm encounter to, for reasons still not entirely clear, apologize to Trump. Now that we're several Republican debates deep, Colbert seems to have returned to his Trump-bashing glory days.
"Did you guys watch the debate on CNBC?" Colbert asked the CBS-viewing portion of the nation. "I did watch it, and in some ways it was impressive. It managed to thread the needle between confusing and boring." Colbert then took some A+ shots at everyone from the debate moderators to the ever-baffling Ted Cruz, whose bizarre admission that he wasn't the kind of guy anyone would want to get a drink with seemed downright Shakespearean in its self-deprecation.
"Much like the campaign season itself, [the debate] felt like an unending slog," Colbert said, voicing the thoughts of the nation. "Believe it or not, it could have been even unending-er if it wasn’t for the heroic action taken by the knight in shining bronzer." While waving around a dizzying plethora of Make America Great merchandise, Colbert then unleashed his vote-securing request of his bronze knight: Employ the same negotiation tactics that trimmed the CNBC debate to a manageable amount of time to ensure a similarly brief White House residency: "You saved us from another hour and a half of that debate. You truly are a great leader, and you have earned my vote as long as you can negotiate your presidency down from four years to, you know, two hours feels about right."