Though Applebee's has cornered the Places in America to Get Drunk With Less Shame Than an Actual Bar market for decades, recent reports suggest that Target is keen on the idea of embodying that distinction themselves. Just weeks after news of its brilliant new gender-neutral policy for labeling children's products, the retail giant has reportedly been snatching up liquor licenses for a new store near Chicago. According to USA Today, Target applied for both a Package Goods license and a Consumption on Premises license for the new Streeterville neighborhood location.

Many speculate that this move is directly tied to recent rumblings surrounding Target's forthcoming testing of new "fast-casual cafes" disappointingly named Freshii, though the thought of being able to generously consume various forms of alcohol while shopping at Target is enough to make even a name as silly as Freshii sound downright ingenious.

Most importantly, Target's move gives true American heroes all across this country the unique opportunity of introducing the following drinking excuse into their rolodex of denial: "No. I'm not drunk. I'm just looking at these new vacuums."

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