Judging the Kardashian-Jenner Apps Against Each Other

All of the Kardashians released apps yesterday—how do they stack up?

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Do you feel that you don't see enough of the Kardashian-Jenner clan? Do you go on Twitter like, "Man, where is all the kontent with a K?" Boy do I have some news for you. Yesterday, four Kardashian-Jenner sisters dropped personal apps into the iTunes Store and turned September 14th into KHRISTMAS. We all celebrated, and ate way too much salad, but when the dust settled we were left with a burning question: It's cool and all that Khloé, Kim, Kendall and Kylie have apps now, but what the fuck are they?

Tweets from the app-owners didn't really illuminate anything:

"We wanted to change our digital platform and make it more than just a blog that we had before," Kim said at an Apple event in Soho last night. "I just felt like there was no other platform that could do it all unless we do it ourselves." That's all well and good, but still, it's really hard to figure out what service these apps are aiming to provide, and in what way they are going to inevitably take over our lives. 

Those who don't make apps, buy them. So I bought all four in an effort to explain them. The first thing you need to know is that they are free. KIND OF. You won't be charged for downloading the apps, but when you open them you get this little message:

Oh, word? So this is like Kardashian Netflix then? Got it. Also, NO—if you have a login for Kim's app, you do NOT automatically have access to Kendall's app. *Kendrick voice* This. shit. ain't. FREE. The fee seems to be the only universal truth of Kardashian-Jenner apps, so to go any further we're going to have to focus on one at a time. Also, please remind me to cancel these free trials before next week, thx. 

[Note: These are ordered in terms of importance, from least to most.]

Kendall

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Whose App Is It: Kendall Jenner's

But Why?: Because high fashion models live cray lives, and have the best opinions about fashion trends.

How Strong Is the Copy?: Kendall's no Hemingway.

# of Naked Selfies: Technically none from what I could tell, but there is a section highlighting Kendall's photo shoot for Calvin Klein underwear, and I did spot that photo from that time Kendall put a toy car on her ass.

Worth $2.99 a month, or $35.88 a year?: Only if you have Fashion Week FOMO.

It's immediately clear that these apps are direct reflections of the girls' lives, which means their quality is totally dependent on how subjectively interesting each respective girl is. That's why Kourtney Kardashian's app is still TBD, and why Kendall's app is the most basic. "You've unlocked my world," was the message I received after logging in, a wholly way too sexual way to say that I can now watch her clean out a closet or read about how her and Gigi and Bella Hadid are such besties or find out how expensive her outfits are (pretty expensive!) and where to buy them (from designers!).

That's pretty much it though. Apparently Kendall will be livestreaming from the app, which is probably super annoying for Periscope and Meerkat. And I did appreciate how on-brand supermodel Kendall is in this thing—she even snuck in a mention of how much pizza she eats, a thing that all models brag about:

And how cool is it that backpacks are a thing now?!

 

Kylie

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Whose App Is It: Kim Kardashian West's

​But Why?: This is Kim Kardashian—the word "why" does not exist.

How Strong Is the Copy?: I'm starting to think the same person writes for all of these apps.

# of Naked Selfies: Naked selfies? Nah. Naked pictures in general? Oh yeah.

Worth $2.99 a month, or $35.88 a year?: If someone held a gun to your head and forced you to choose one of the Kardashian-Jenner's apps, sure.

Is there any hidden info on Swish?: Ugh, no. 

This app shit is old news for Kim—she already took over the game last year with Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. Kim is apps. But just because you won yesterday doesn't mean you win today, so here we are. First of all, Kim's app launches into a welcome video right when you open it. My phone's volume was off and it still played extremely loudly, which means Kim found a way to hack and control iPhones, a pretty impressive feat. It's that sort of reckless aggressiveness that's made her so famous.

Kim's new app is broken down into five categories: Beauty, Style, Obsessed, BTS, and Q&A. The first three are basically reproductions of sections you can find in Kendall, Kylie and Khloe's apps, so that's a wash. The BTS and Q&A sections are also still in their nascent stages—there's a highly produced, hardly behind-the-scenes-feeling video of one of Kim's book signings (our vid is better) and someone named Olivia V. asking, "How do I get your look?" Really, Olivia V.!? Clearly you didn't notice the SECTION CALLED "STYLE" THAT'S ENTIRELY DEDICATED TO ANSWERING THAT QUESTION! God dammit, Olivia V.

Besides having the most production value of the four apps by a long shot, Kim also has two secret weapons that make put her app (somewhat) worthwhile: Kanye West and North West. Not that Kim exploits her marriage with Kanye in this thing, but there are some choice behind-the-scenes pictures you'll come across if you swipe long enough; stuff like a topless Kim standing in front of Kanye, but instead of staring at her chest like you'd expect he's intensely inspecting the half of a Balmain dress she has on. As for North, the app really cashes in on her status as the most powerful celebrity baby in the world. There's really a section called "Get North's Look: NYC Edge." According to the app you can get North's "NYC Edge" for just $133, a bargain if you're trying to flex on all those other moms.

Kendall's app gives you Kendall, Khloé's app gives you Khloé, and Kylie's app gives you Kylie. Kim's app gives you Kim, Kanye and North, so that's a lot of added value.

Khloé

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Whose App Is It: Khloé Kardashian's

​But Why?: Because the world needs a more likable version of Jillian Michaels.

How Strong Is the Copy?: Khloé's got that natural blogging ability, y'all.

# of Naked Selfies: Fall back before Khloé hits you.

Worth $2.99 a month, or $35.88 a year?: You know what? Maybe. Seriously. Maybe.

KHLOÉ'S APP IS AMAZING. I haven't dug around much, but the first two things I saw were proof enough. First, shouts out to Complex:

And second, while Kendall writes the sentence "How crazy is Fashion Week?" over and over again, the first confessional post I stumble upon on Khloé's app is, "Just the Tip: Talking Mind-Blowing BJs With My BFF." Khloé, what did we do to deserve you? My top three quotes from this post:


  • The first line: "Something women don't always admit to talking about? Blow jobs."

  • "I know a guy she hooked up with, so I called him and asked how she was."

  • "I started thinking about it more in depth, so I decided to hit the Web and Google things."

If Khloé's app just turns into livestreams of her calling people's boyfriends and asking how good they are at giving head, I will be here for that. Also, props to Khloé for capitalizing "Web."

Aside from those two amazing things, there are workout videos (the crux of Khloé's app, which makes sense if you read our cover story), videos about properly organizing cookie jars (dope), and a section called "Ebony & Ivory," in which white Khloé and her black friend Malika (who we now know is good at BJs thanks to the above section) just answer questions.

Like I said, these apps are really dependent on the sisters' personalities. It's general knowledge that Khloé is the best Kardashian, so is it really that much of a surprise that she has the best app?

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