Rumors, ever the poison of an otherwise advanced passable society, often slam celebrity couples the hardest. In the wake of his divorce from longtime partner Jennifer Garner in June, Ben Affleck (and, in turn, his family) was immediately thrust into a windstorm of hollow speculation — mostly presented via practically all-caps headlines to the tune of DIVORCE SHOCKER: 'BATMAN' CAUGHT NOODLING WITH 'HARLEY QUINN' or DID BEN AFFLECK BANG HIS KIDS' NANNY? Sadly, I didn't make either of those up — with the nanny narrative briefly taking hold of esteemed sources of society-challenging journalism such as Us Weekly and Jezebel just days ago.

In fact, here's a direct quote from the cringe-inducing Jezebel piece:

Who would have guessed that the girl we described, was just exactly what Ben’s penis prescribed? Now Jen Garner found her disgusting - she let her go! And now Ben’s on top of her thrusting - His rep says ‘no!’ She’s the lady in bed, next to Ben Affleck: the man of her dreeeeeeams.

His twenty-something rebound - the nanny, Christine!

In keeping with the tone of unfounded ridiculousness, Jezebel paired this excruciating drivel with a photo of Affleck alongside beloved (I don't know, "beloved" is a strong word, isn't it?) 90s TV star Fran Drescher (GET IT? THE NANNY?). On Wednesday, Affleck's representative sent a strongly worded (and understandably so) statement to Page Six — low-key calling out a subculture of pop culture writing that deals exclusively in blind fictions:

"The story is complete garbage and full of lies. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind ‘blind sources’ and attempt to destroy families going through a difficult time. The tabloid [Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It’s like story time in kindergarten. It’s shameful and desperate."

This subculture, bafflingly regarded by a startling amount of supermarket frequenters (?) as actual truth, has rumor-paired Affleck with a slew of other non-nanny public figures — including former flame and Gigli co-star Jennifer Lopez. In fact, these grimy powers that be would have you believe Affleck has — in less than a month — fentoozled his way into brief mini-lationships with Lopez, the aforementioned Margot Robbie, The Town co-star Blake Lively, The Accountant co-star Anna Kendrick, and several others.

Following his strongly worded rebuke of the most recent entry in the Affleck Rumor Circus, will we see a logical and commendable slowdown in the frequency of these click-grabbing, mind-clogging fabrications? That seems unlikely, though Affleck is reportedly considering legal options regarding Us Weekly's nanny accusations.

As for future rumors? Let's not even allow them to begin their ascension: