Who Was Realer: Grandpa Phil Shortman From 'Hey Arnold!' or Grandpa Lou Pickles From 'Rugrats'?

We pitted the old men in 'Hey Arnold!' and 'Rugrats' against each other to see which figure from your childhood is the best.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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We recently dropped a list called 10 Times Grandpa Lou Pickles Just Didn't Care, and more than one of you suggested we pit the Rugrats grandpa's hilarity against Nickelodeon's other most iconic grandfather, Philip “Phil” Shortman from Hey Arnold!, in the comments. Well, your prayers have been answered. We look at which of these elderly gentleman is the realest, and who has really reached that age where you give zero fucks no matter what happens. From who had the baddest chick to who was better at spitting game, are you #TeamLou or #TeamPhil?

Who was America's real ride or die OG?

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Sleeping through the attack on Pearl Harbor, something Grandpa Lou is accused of in The Rugrats Movie, is not a good look. It means you're “that guy” among your comrades at reunions (as well as fated to forever taint the family name), and you always bear the guilt of literally sacrificing people for several minutes of sleep. In other words, you fucked up Grandpa Lou.

However, Grandpa Phil was American as apple pie. Rob O'Neill? Sure. Jeans Cruz? Ok. Philip Shortman? Living legend. In the episode "Veteran's Day," he gave Hitler a wedgie. Yes, a wedgie. Phil pulled those tighty whities so high that they changed the course of history. Sure, Phil's storytelling doesn't always seem grounded in fact (and even he can’t recall if it was actually Hitler or Joseph Goebbels he gave a wedgie to), but even a fictitious story about defeating one of the most evil leaders in world history beats sleeping through Pearl Harbor.


Winner: Grandpa Phil

Who spit that senior citizen game best?

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Grandpa Lou could talk that talk. Even when he's asleep he's still bringing out the thirst in women. From Morgana in "Grandpa's Date," to the two women in "Auctioning Grandpa," to his second wife Lulu, there are levels to this old man swag shit, and Lou is on a thousand. 

But he isn't on a trillion like our boy Phil. Phil goes back to elementary school to complete the sixth grade in "Back to School," and he takes Connie and Maria to a PG-13 movie. (Sidebar: Why are they still in sixth grade? This is four seasons in, and these two are still popping pink bubbles. Also, does anybody else find it weird that Maria has shown an interest in both Arnold and Phil? Somewhere, deep in the World Wide Web, there is some strange erotic fan-fiction about this). Phil is like an Uncle Snoop; sure he's old, but he's got charm that you can only hope to have later in life. Plus, he probably can out-smoke you.

Winner: Grandpa Phil

Who got truly wild at Woodstock?

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Throughout Woodstock, Grandpa Phil was probably on some otherworldly plane of existence, watching Jimi Hendrix go through his historical reinterpretation of The Star-Spangled Banner. Phil was turnt before turnt was turnt, and that's just fact. 

But there's something about Grandpa Lou's reference to Woodstock in "Angelica's Birthday" that indicates he might've had a trippier experience. It's that low laugh you release when you reminisce on moments you can only describe as "crazy" or “surreal, dude.” Did he trip hard with the members of Grateful Dead? Did he hook up with multiple women? Maybe. All we have to work off of is that laugh, which, unlike Phil's response, will always have us wondering what exactly Lou did at Woodstock.

Winner: Grandpa Lou

Who had the baddest chick?

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Grandpa Lou's better half, Lulu, is a cool chick. She's awkward, funny, totally rocks a pixie cut, and can apparently do dancehall-type moves on her husband. And their love is The Notebook-level (Lou originally met Lulu in 1943 during his time as a soldier, when she was a singer who performed for the military).

Even though Lulu is great, she has nothing on Pookie, Grandpa Phil's lady. Pookie is a million flame emojis followed by a million 100 emojis. Everything she does, she does all the way, from helping Arnold steal a mistreated turtle, to maintaining an eclectic style that mothered the weird aesthetics of Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj, to just loving Phil.


Winner: Grandpa Phil

Who told the best "I'm old as f**k so I can make shit up" stories?

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Grandpa Phil had plenty of exaggerated stories. We’ll never forget hearing of Four-Eyed Jack’s demise in "Four-Eyed Jack," or when he was about to tell Arnold, Gerald, and Gerald’s father about a sexual escapade in France in "Veteran's Day."

But Grandpa Lou told the type of stories your actual grandpa probably tells on the daily, ones where his feelings get hurt when his offspring interrupt him and say, "Dad, you never did that." Lou told so many stories so frequently, and in a way that was much more relatable than Phil's tales. You know Tommy wanted to be like, "Grandpa what are you smoking?" after hearing him say that he once saw a moose that was larger than the house in "Moose Country." But that's what grandpas do: tell these outrageous stories that defy logic, and then immediately fall asleep afterwards.


Winner: Grandpa Lou

Who would catch the most bodies?

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Grandpa Phil could definitely catch bodies. He bested Hitler (allegedly), and considering his physique, he could leave someone half his age bloody and bruised if they crossed him.

Grandpa Lou has proven that he could catch a body regardless of witnesses. That ice cream boy in "The Case of the Missing Rugrat" was about to find himself stuffed in a freezer between containers of Rocky Road and Vanilla, if he didn't give Grandpa Lou what he wanted. Sure, Lou wants us to think that all he does is sleep and tell stories that may or may not be real. But low key, Lou would run up on you without a second thought.


Winner: Grandpa Lou

Who had the better vice?

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Porn loses its appeal and purpose the older you get. Sure, an erotic movie called Lonely Space Vixens sounds enjoyable, but wouldn’t you want to use whatever remaining libido you have left on an actual person? Unless Grandpa Lou is trying to improve his game on Lulu through porn, his vice really isn’t that beneficial.

But weed will always serve a purpose. Cancer, glaucoma, poor appetite, muscle spasms—with old age comes a weaker body, and marijuana makes that experience much more enjoyable and tolerable. Why do you think Dr. Steiglitz compares Phil to an ox in "Grandpa's Birthday"? It's because Phil is healthy and strong like an ox. But we all know why that really is.

Winner: Grandpa Phil

Who made the club most lit back in the day?

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Both Grandpa Lou and Grandpa Phil are talented musicians, who've probably been at it for years. This GIF, taken from the episode “Grandpa’s Teeth,” features Lou offering a fire solo over The Star-Spangled Banner. And although it’s good, it doesn’t even come close to touching Grandpa Phil’s drumming.

This moment where Phil simultaneously drums and breaks a record for no reason is so lit. The guy was probably high for most of his performances, which makes the thought of Phil turning up bars and clubs with his drumming even better.

Winner: Grandpa Phil

Who talked shit best?

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Sometimes, the best way to talk shit is to let your body do the talking. Shaking your ass in front of someone upon beating them will haunt them for days, weeks, months, and even years. Grandpa Phil knows this.

When Grandpa Lou finds out his old wrestling nemesis Conan McNulty is a slippery cheat, he isn't afraid to call him out on the bullshit in "Wrestling Grandpa." He also gets up in Billy Maxwell's face when the latter begins to run his mouth in "King Ten Pin." Remember when Lil B said “Talking shit behind my back / N***a I’m at your fucking larynx”? Chances are he was probably thinking of Lou when he wrote that line.


Winner: Grandpa Lou

Who had the most fire old man alphets?

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This one’s actually tough because both grandfathers dressed in a way that said, “I can still be hip and occasionally use the slang of my grandchildren without embarrassing myself.” Grandpa Lou had his quintessential green pants and vest, as well as a purple long-sleeved shirt. While Grandpa Phil had his brown pants and boot straps that he wore with a plain white tee. Although Phil had some great fashion moments, such as wearing a beanie-and-hoodie combo, nothing touches Lou’s style.

Just look at him in this incredibly dope collared shirt. Lou should forever immortalized by the likes of Supreme.

Winner: Grandpa Lou

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