I Watched That Terrible Corey Feldman Horror Movie So You Don't Have To

The Internet (i.e. Reddit), being a cruel, unforgiving, and fascinating place, recently unearthed this terrible horror movie from 2001 starring Corey Feldman and Adam West that probably should have never been unearthed. Except, of course, I was like HELL YEAH IMMA WATCH THAT SHIT. This turd of a film is called Séance (a.k.a. Killer in the Dark), and the synopsis reads: "Six friends thought it would be 'cool' to have a seance, but then something went terribly wrong." Okay, I’m sold. Perhaps the most fascinating part of this, though, is that this guy Rick Vasquez (apparently a traffic control business owner?) spent $1 million to turn his horror screenplay into a movie. I have SO MANY questions. Like how did this man get $1 million, and why did he think this was a good idea, and why did Corey Feldman and Adam West sign on to do this?

Anyway, skip ahead 14 years and the whole thing has been uploaded to YouTube for your—but mostly my—viewing pleasure. According to the video description ("Rick worked on this film for many years and would love to share it with as many people as possible"), this dude seems proud as hell of his movie, so it only seemed fair to give it my undivided attention. Without further ado, here's a full breakdown of Séance. YOU'RE WELCOME…

Right off the bat, the movie doesn't fuck around. Thunder! Lightning! A dad yelling about how his son is going to hell! Terrible Father breaks into a church for no apparent reason, except his stupid son steps on some broken glass, causing him to bleed literally all over the place, which makes the Terrible Father slip and fall on his blood all over the place, and it's a whole lot of unnecessary mess for like a solid minute. Like where is this going, guys?

The YouTube upload being such shit quality, it's hard to see what's actually happening but their shenanigans end real quick when Terrible Father starts stabbing the church with a knife (like what does that even do) and gets struck by lightning. They both fall and die, and it's like, "What even was your endgame? Why are you out here STABBING A CHURCH?"

Before ANY questions get answered (honestly I don’t think they ever get answered???), the movie skips ahead to a happy, sunny day, soundtracked by some super early aughts rock music. Here, we meet the eventual séance-doers.

Ah, yes. Of course this movie has hot, unsuspecting young people, as well as a skanky best friend talking about how she’s going to do the sex with so-and-so later! Cue every horror movie cliché. Also I'm watching this at work right now and I hope my coworkers don't think I'm just, like, sitting here watching porn because this movie has some serious porn vibes:

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for… COREY FELDMAN! Surrounded by laaaadies!

Like all good ghost movies, this one involves a lot of candles being lit. Corey Feldman (who, by the way, is named John but I will continue calling Corey Feldman) begins to tell his friends a scary story, to which one of his bro friends responds, "Dude I had three margaritas so I'm gonna be laughing my butt off."*

*In hindsight, I should have watched this three margaritas deep, too.

So Corey starts telling his friends this story about how his brother used to have a ghost friend who would come into his room and whisper creepy things, like "YOU HAVE TO KILL THE SAINT" and play with religious artifacts. Here he is:

And this is Corey Feldman’s ghost-whispering brother in the movie. It’s also a selfie of me watching this movie:

For some unexplained reason, Ghost Boy gets really mad and wreaks havoc around the house, which prompts Corey Feldman’s family to go seek his magic stick-carrying grandma, who just happens to know how to drive away ghosts.

"Everything is gonna be okay,” she says. YEAH RIGHT GRANDMA.

This movie, already TERRIBLE at transitions, brings us back to modern-day Corey Feldman and friends, and all of a sudden some rando delivery guy brings over pizza that they didn't order. Congrats to Rick Vasquez for making free pizza seem so... off-putting.

Pizza Guy goes away, but OBVIOUSLY he'll have some part in the story later. As young people in horror movies wont to do, they decide to have a séance, which we already know will end terrifically. One bro in a visor promises to protect them, though, so... Nothing to worry about, I guess.

Except guess who’s not on board? That’s right, Corey motherfuckin’ Feldman. One girl makes out with him to convince him to change his mind, and unsurprisingly it works. 

When his friends start goofing off, Corey says one of the best lines from the movie: "You guys can't even handle this dimension of life, how do you expect to handle the next one?" So deep. He may have a point, though. Look at this joke of a séance:

Here's a fun game: 50 Shades poster or Corey Feldman entering the next dimension?

Anyway, seems like the séance actually worked, because a vision comes to them and *gasp* it’s PIZZA GUY GETTING STABBED (I told you). This sets off a whole lot of other stabbings, including several stabbings of Corey Feldman. Except hey-o Corey Feldman doesn't actually die because magical purple lights heal his wound right away. Sure.

The gang wonders if the vision was actually real life, and apparently it was because Pizza Guy actually got sliced up (sorry, terrible word choice). Some FBI agent comes to investigate, but he seems to be really bad at his job because these kids act suspicious af, but he leaves right away. 

Panicked, the kids go to Corey's magic stick grandma for guidance, but unfortunately she gets possessed and threatens to kill everyone :(. She yells, "SCREW GOD AND SCREW YOU," then passes out. 

There are a lot of Inception-esque dream-within-a-dream murders in this film. At one point Corey Feldman wakes up screaming "OH GOD PLEASE STOP IT," and I'm honestly not sure if that was scripted or if he just couldn’t stand this movie anymore.

Side note: We’re like halfway through the movie and I don’t think I’ve seen Adam West yet? Did I miss him? Anyway here's the killer guy who's been stabbing everybody:

At one point or another, everyone gets stabbed or possessed, and HERE'S THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE!!!!!!!!:

Apparently possession turns Corey Feldman into a face-licking perv. I kinda checked out for the rest of movie because that scene just destroyed me, but here are some other highlights…

• One of the girls all of a sudden reveals that she’s a black belt in karate. 


• Corey Feldman cries into a pillow.


• One guy gets sliced in the neck with a CD-ROM that shoots out of his computer.


• Killer guy has a box of saints that look a lot like neon condoms:

• There's, like, soooooo much symbolism in this film, you guys:

• Adam West finally decides to show up in the movie:

• Corey Feldman makes more O-faces:

In the end, we find out Ghost Boy was inside the creepy killer dude all along except now he’s all grown up because ghosts can age I guess?

Adam West then reveals himself as a guardian angel type and sends Ghost Boy-Turned-Man to hell.

BYE FELICIA.

And because Rick Vasquez loves twists, the kids wake up from their séance, totally unharmed, wondering if they all shared a dream. Did they? Was this all just a big waste of my time? (The answer to that is a resounding YES, by the way.) But in the final scene, Corey Feldman gets a phone call, and omfg that Pizza Dude actually DID die. OR DID HE? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. Credits roll. The end. *Passes out.*