What Was Air Bud's Best Sport?

Nostalgia is so pervasive on the Internet that we remember every aspect of our childhood through rose colored glasses. Looking back, we actually looked good in that Starter jacket, those Pokemon cards were worth the money we spent on them, and Full House was a sophisticated family comedy. Well, we're here to dispel these delusions and give you a realistic view of those things you cherished in the foolish days of your youth. Today, we set our sights on the Air Bud franchise.

The set-up of all five Air Bud movies is the same. One of Buddy's owners, a member of the suburban Seattle-based Framm family, joins a school sports team to help solve a personal problem in his or her life. For example, in Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Josh comes to terms with the possibility that his mother may remarry. In Spikes Back, Andrea, Josh's younger sister, adjusts to life without her best friend. Shortly after the protagonist joins the team, fates conspire to show that Air Bud is actually better at the sport than our hero or heroine. Then, the dog and his human go on to high school athletic glory. There's only one hole in these foolproof plots: Air Bud isn't actually that good at most of the sports he plays.

There are aspects of Air Bud's game that help him dominate packs of scrawny 14-year-olds and leave opposing coaches red-faced and screaming about how a dog shouldn't be allowed to play basketball. But, upon further analysis, Buddy was actually far better at some sports than others, and the only award he deserves is for showboating. While there's no denying that he is a master of the long ball, he doesn't actually help that much on the baseball diamond.

It's time we put Air Bud's paws to the fire and figured out how good the golden retriever's game actually was.

Author's Note: I didn't include the Air Buddies spin-off series in this piece. First off, there is the practical issue that these seven films are not directly about dogs playing sports, but rather focus on general puppy hijinks. There is also the even more practical issue that, while there is a sum of money I could be paid to watch all 12 films in this series in one painful shot, that sum of money is pretty high. Perhaps a better person than I will someday tackle the Buddies films for an article more exhaustive than this one.

As seen in: Air Bud Spikes Back

Skill level: 1 out of 5 Paws

Real world athlete comparison: The chubby kid in gym class

To say that Air Bud's volleyball skills are limited is an understatement. He can't serve, he can't spike, and he can't really even bump. After the devastating departure of one of the Timberwolves' better players, Air Bud comes in as the team's setter. He does the job ably, but that doesn't get the team very far. The Timberwolves have the worst record in Air Bud history, despite having a healthy canine champion for the bulk of their games. The team finishes the season little better than .500.

When you get right down to it, the pookah-shell-necklace-wearing, skateboarding, leading bro of the film carries the team on his back throughout Spikes Back, and Buddy is, at best, a solid role player. We shouldn't credit the human actor with that much, however. This is his first and last stab at playing the romantic lead outside of a community theater production of Once Upon A Mattress.

If Air Bud can't outshine Carrot Top Jr., he definitely can't play professional beach volleyball. When Air Bud ends up as part of a pro beach duo at the end of the film, you can't help but wonder what his teammate was thinking. While Bud's game may be helpful in gym class or at family reunions, he would be wiped out by true volleyball big dogs.

As seen in: Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch

Skill level: 2 out of 5 Paws

Real world athlete comparison: James Loney

Air Bud is not only first baseman for the L.A. Angels by the end of Seventh Inning Fetch, but he actually wins the World Series MVP. However, Bud's skills don't compare to those of a professional first baseman. At best, he would end up on a middling varsity high school team.

First base is a position for power hitters (think Mark McGwire). It's also a place to park less-than-stellar defensive players (although it helps for those less-than-stellar defenders to be tall in order to provide a big target for thrown balls, which is at least one of the reasons quadrupeds are not natural fits for the position). Air Bud, being an awful batter, wouldn't last long at the position, no matter how great of a fielder he was. To find a decent IRL comparison, I consulted my baseball-savvy friends, and they pointed to James Loney (Rays 1B) as an equal to Air Bud's skills. Still, it's hard to imagine that he could come close to Loney's .278 average.

Bud isn't an incompetent hitter—he gets on base—but the best he can muster are singles that would be easy grabs for fielders who just finished going through puberty. Just look at his stance. This guy is dogging it. He's making the Bad News Bears look like paragons of professionalism.

Another challenge for Bud is that he's a limited fielder. Yes, he catches everything that is thrown at him, but the opposing team would quickly realize that all they have to do is steal every time Bud gets the ball. How's he going to manage a quick release after a catch like this?

The short, sad answer: he isn't.

As seen in: Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Skill level: 3 out of 5 Paws

Real world athlete comparison: Dexter McCluster

An undersized speedster, like Dexter McCluster or Tavon Austin, gets a lot of hype and then he disappears once the season gets underway. This chart from Sports Illustrated shows just how quickly numbers drop off for receivers under 6'0". There are five or six active receivers with numbers like Steve Smith and Antonio Brown, and 10 players down the list, you're looking at the likes of Andre Roberts. Those of you who haven't done the analysis may not know this, but Air Bud is well under six feet tall.

Air Bud proves to be the rule and not the exception when it comes to undersized receivers. Early on in Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Buddy is the master of the deep ball, burning opposing secondaries so crisp that the Raiders would reach six rounds for him. The Timberwolves' Italian sub-loving coach even has him play defensive back, as his speed makes him a viable ball hawk. Things change drastically once the T-wolves face stiff competition; Bud is out for the season as soon as he takes his first real hit. 

With new concussion protocols shortening the careers of scrappy, undersized players like Wes Welker, Austin Collie, and Julian Edelman, it's hard to imagine that Bud would do well in the modern NFL wearing this helmet:

He's just asking to get Amendola'd.

Speed is great, but if that's all you have going for you, maybe it's time to take off the pads and go run track.

As seen in: Air Bud: World Pup 

Skill level: 3 out of 5 Paws

Real world athlete comparison: Johnny Manziel

​Yes, Johnny Manziel isn't a soccer player. This low estimation of Buddy's soccer skills has nothing to do with his work on the pitch, and everything to do with his off-field issues. On this matter, Air Bud and Johnny Football have more in common than just their dope nicknames.

Though he's unstoppable on the field, Buddy spends most of World Pup getting in his own way. Here's a quick run-down of the personal problems that keep Air Bud from peak performance in the film: Things don't look great from the beginning, as Bud only gets into soccer to impress a girl; he takes up with his bitch lover pretty quickly, and before you know it, the tramp and his lady friend are raiding an ice cream parlor and torturing the poor cashier.

This makes Jameis Winston's crab leg debacle look like a non-issue by comparison. Of course, Air Bud didn't sexually assault anyone, so he still has fewer red flags than the reigning No. 1 draft pick.

After a little more dating, including watching some canine erotica and regular sleepovers, Bud's girl quickly becomes Mrs. Air Bud, and Bud finds himself with more children than Antonio Cromartie. Predictably, the pups get dognapped (who hasn't dreamed of breeding a super athletic dog army?), and Buddy is obliged to come to the rescue. As a result, he doesn't even show up until the last four minutes of the championship game. Sure, you can't control certain personal circumstances, and even the most dedicated athlete would put his or her career on hold to rescue their progeny from devious imposter butlers. But by the time this legitimate problem came up, you would have long regretted giving Air Bud that big contract. He makes David Beckham look like a humble private citizen by comparison.

In Air Bud's defense, he does have some serious ball skills. But considering the only way he can score is with a light touch right next to the goalie's box, most GMs would likely pick a player with a stronger foot and a more stable personal life. 

As seen in: Air Bud

Skill level: 4 out of 5 Paws

Real world athlete comparison: John Stockton

As a former circus performer, Air Bud is highly trained in the art of bouncing balls off of his nose. This skill comes in handy in any ball sport and when foiling incompetent criminals. Though Buddy displays flashes of brilliance in a variety of athletic endeavors, it's clear that the golden retriever is a born baller. Air Bud has a mastery of the fundamentals, and it's no surprise that basketball is the sport that anchored the franchise and helped Air Bud make his name.

Bud's greatest asset is his perimeter shooting. Watching Air Bud circa 1997 is like watching Stephen Curry today; you get the sense that he has never actually taken a bad shot.

His skills aren't merely limited to the deep ball, however. Early on in Air Bud, we see that he plays fierce defense. Even in one-on-one situations, he limits his opponents' scoring opportunities despite his significant height disadvantage. Buddy is also a gifted passer, and he knows how to get the ball into his teammates' hands even when they're double covered. He has clearly been watching Jason Kidd's game tape since he was a pup, and his time in the film room has paid off. As Coach Arthur Chaney puts it, “That dog couldn’t give a rat’s behind about his point average or his MVP standing. He just loves the game.”

The only negative to Bud's game is that he just can't get inside. Though he can rely on fakes, passing, and precision shooting to make up for his height disadvantage, Air Bud has nothing to offer in the lane. He may have dominated the big leagues in the '90s, but the most likely outcome for an Air Bud-style player today is a buzzed about run in the NCAA tournament before earning the label of Draft Day bust.