This month marks the release of the latest game in the Mortal Kombat video game series: Mortal Kombat X. As bloody as ever, the game features some of the most gruesome fatalities in the series, along with a roster of new characters that join brutal veterans such as Scorpion, Sub-Zero, Sonya and Johnny Cage.
In our obsession with the game, we happened to come across the diary of a man who cleaned up the aftermath of many Mortal Kombat battles, and lived in Outworld, where most of the matches occurred. He will remain nameless, but his tales are legendary.
Oct. 8, 1992
The first day on the job is basically orientation. My hiring manager is being very vague about my responsibilities, and keeps asking me if I’m “sure I can clean up large amounts of blood” without losing my mind. I'm like:
I laugh it off, but the fact that he never answers my questions makes me nervous. I also almost met Shang Tsung, the leader of this entire tournament, but was warned to not touch him because he “sucks people’s souls to remain immortal.” I obviously need to be a lot higher to work here, haha.
October 10, 1992
TODAY I WATCHED A MAN GET BURNED TO DEATH. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT. THE. FUCK. THIS GUY IN A YELLOW OUTFIT PULLED UP HIS FACE AS IF IT WERE A MASK, AND UNLEASHED FIRE ON THIS GUY THAT SHOOTS ICE. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOW I SEE WHY MY HIRING MANAGER KEPT ASKING ME ABOUT BLOOD. I WANT TO LEAVE. I CAN’T DO THIS.
Oct. 15, 1992
Basically, my hiring manager gave me two options: stay or die. He reassured me it’s not that bad, and that most of these trained and deadly combatants are actually really nice (except Scorpion, the guy who made a fire out of Sub-Zero’s body). Plus, he offered me a raise, a better health care package (unlimited pot), and assured me that were the world to fall into ShangTsung’s hands, I would be spared and serve as his servant. I could care less about being spared but I can't, for moral reasons, pass up infinite pot.
Sept. 7, 1997
By now I’ve befriended most of the fighters, as well as gotten used to the absurd amounts of bloodshed I have to clean up. It’s actually been…enjoyable. I got to travel to some “other dimensional realm” called Outworld, where I learned that the real head honcho of this competition is named Shao Kahn (Shang Tsung is essentially his bitch). During my time there I got drunk off of Outworld Wine, tried to hook up with Sheeva (she said she’d literally “crush me”; I was down), and asked Raiden if he could resurrect 2Pac. His response: “I can’t resurrect what’s not dead. Plus, that’s not my expertise.”
Sept. 9, 1997
I FUCKING MET THE “TOASTY” GUY. THAT IS ALL.
June 30, 1998
I can’t believe this competition is still going on. This year marks the fourth Mortal Kombat, and these guys are still killing each other. I could’ve sworn I saw Sub-Zero die during the first tournament, and yet here he is, shooting ice balls at people. Since Shang Tsung’s whereabouts are unknown, I’m under new management: these two guys named Quan Chi and Shinnok. Their tempers are horrible. Quan Chi conjured a green flaming skull that chased me for half an hour yesterday, and Shinnok threatened to squeeze me to death with a large pair of skeletal hands. Liu Kang needs to hurry up and win again, so I can try and return to Earth. I can’t believe I missed Michael Jordan’s last game as a Bull.
Nov. 16, 2002
I think I jinxed Liu Kang, because he’s dead. RIP.
Nov. 20, 2002
I’m so bummed. Liu Kang was totally going to be my ticket out of here, but he’s dead now. I had to take care of his body. Do you know what it’s like being responsible for the lifeless body of one of the greatest fighters to have ever lived? I’ve been crying for days. It’s not like Liu Kang and I were best friends, but he stood for justice and always did a bicycle kick when I asked him. At the very least, Quan Chi has been nicer. Shang Tsung told him not to give me a hard time. He apologized for how he treated me several years back, but still stated he could kill me if he really wanted to. He’s such an asshole.
Nov. 28, 2002
I celebrated Thanksgiving with a guy named Bo’ Rai Cho, who apparently trained Liu Kang and Kung Lao. You wouldn’t guess that by the guy’s size, and the fact that he’s never not drunk, but he’s always alert. Yesterday I watched him fight Sonya, and he dodged her every attack. Not only that, but he threw up on the floor, causing her to fall all over the place.
Bo’ Rai Cho ended up winning and smashed Sonya to pieces with his stomach. Yes, I had to clean up blood and vomit, which then led me to vomit all over the place (just when I thought I was a veteran at this shit), but that match was absolutely entertaining.
Oct. 5, 2004
So, everyone’s dead. Well, kind of. Sonya, Jax, Johnny Cage, Quan Chi, and Shang Tsung have been turned into servants for Onaga, the “Dragon King.” Raiden is nowhere to be found. I thought I’d finally be able to find my way back to Earth, but Onaga caught me. Even though he looks like this, he's actually pretty nice:
Maybe it’s because of the fact he’s been dead for years (some dumbass named Shujinko brought him back to life) and everything is currently in his favor, but he’s surprisingly chill. He expects me to clean up the bloodshed, but once that’s done he doesn’t try to get me to do other things. Who would’ve thought that a guy called the Dragon King would be the nicest boss I’ve had so far? Don’t judge a power hungry, bloodthirsty dictator by its reptile skin.
Nov. 20, 2004
I’ve been hearing rumors that an undead Liu Kang is in Outworld, which means that everyone is finally as high as I am on a daily basis. There’s no way he can be alive. Well he could be, considering people come back all the time in this universe. I hope they’re not lying, because that would really hurt my feelings.
Dec. 1, 2004
I totally saw undead Liu Kang! He has risen! Wow. He’s alive. He smells like death, but he’s definitely alive. I tried to get him to hang out with me and smoke (a high zombie doesn’t sound that great in retrospect, but at the time it sounded fucking awesome), but he just started running in a weird jumpy fashion like this:
With how glazed my eyes are I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought I was a zombie.
Oct. 11, 2006
I have no idea how this happened but literally everyone that has ever died is back. It feels like a high school reunion, just that everyone is probably going to die afterwards (this competition is named Armageddon after all). Threats are being passed around by the good and bad: Goro just told Johnny Cage he’s going to stomp him out, and piss on his trademark sunglasses. That’s right—just the sunglasses. Cage obviously didn’t appreciate that. Today also marks my retirement. I’ve given so many years to this never-ending Mortal Kombat tournament, and it’s about time that I return home. Raiden recently told me that he’s been having prophecies where the events of the first three Mortal Kombats suddenly change. I kind of regret giving him those special brownies now, but at the very least I can leave Outworld knowing I got a god high!
April 14, 2015
It’s been several years since my time in Outworld. Every so often I’ll see that Johnny Cage is putting out a new movie (apparently he and Sonya are finally a thing), but other than that I haven’t kept in contact with anyone. Sometimes I miss it: wondering if Scorpion’s spear would miss his opponent and strike me; drunkenly asking Kitana to marry me; Liu Kang threatening to transform into a dragon and eat me; and just experiencing some other world that I still can’t believe exists. But Outworld didn’t have Netflix so I have no regrets about coming back home.
