All the Ways "Empire" Is Hilariously Dated (And a Few Ways It Isn't)

Image via Complex Original

Would actually be relevant if set in: Late '90s

Look, I get that Lee Daniels is using the Jamal storyline to work through his own issues with an intolerant, homophobic father and that's cool. But this is still fiction aiming to represent an actual culture, and to that end, the idea that in 2015 Lucious is allowed to stunt like his openly gay son would be vilified and alienate fans in all markets is lowkey preposterous. Are there no Frank Oceans nor Sam Smiths in the Empire-universe?

Would actually be relevant if set in: 2013

Hakeem's R&B girlfriend (who also has a girlfriend) is making early-career Rihanna records with reheated Tinashe flavor and LION BABE hair. So, good enough.

Would actually be relevant if set in: 1998, and he performed at The Tunnel

Even world-renowned narcissist Hakeem thinks the world of Titan, the hottest rapper in the game, admitted as such by everyone from Lucious, Cookie, down to his assistant Becky, despite not being an Empire Records artist. He's spoken of with such awe and revere, or thirst and greed in terms of signing him, that we're meant to really believe in Empire's universe, he's The Guy. The spitter MTV would crown No. 1 in the game and also score like a 8.8 at Pitchfork, amid invites to perform at the Billboard awards. This being 2015, you'd think his music and aesthetic would mirror the guy who's running rap irl these days, that Canadian who can go 0-100 real quick just as soon as he harmonizes convos about love over tea with Erykah Badu. Nope, here's a guy whose music sounds like it wouldn't even blow up in '02, wears a rope chain (apparently you're not Real Hip-Hop™ on this show if you don't) and bucket, and looks like he's about to say hi to forty. 

Would actually be relevant if set in: 2012, during Peak 2 Chainz era

I don't know what the fuck is up with Lucious Lyons' look, especially the endless stash of silky fine pashminas. Fam looks like he's running Motown instead of a hip-hop rooted label he birthed in the mid-aughts. But if there's one thing the show is nailing (for lack of a more meh-expressing phrase), it's the modern day mainstream rapper's look, mostly via Hakeem. Don't get me wrong, the costume department, (or Bryshere Gray, if he's choosing wardrobe himself) takes it several steps too far. Instead of just looking like Kid Ink, dude looks like all three Migos morphed into one hypebeast who still values the likes of Versace and Burberry instead of reading Four-Pins, but also admires Pharrell and Yeezy as style influences. Still, the game's basic go-to staples are all there: leather, prints, shiny accessories, patterned haircuts, etc.

Would actually be relevant if set in: 1987

Lmao. (He's old[er], so he dresses like Run-DMC. Get it? Do you get it?!?!?) Apparently, weed-carriers don't change with the times.

Would actually be relevant if set in: 1989

In some scenes, Lucious seems like a fictionalized Jay Z written by people who got all of their Jigga knowledge from a Vanity Fair cover story. Sometimes he's L.A. Reid. Drug-dealing murderous past notwithstanding, though, he should never, ever be Suge Knight unless this is a '90s period piece. Beating up mouthy managers on video set trailers? Was that supposed to make us know-betters in the audience chuckle? Because all we did was laugh at just another example of proof that this series seems to be written by people who have the most basic perception of the rap world ever. Pretty sure you can't just go around kneecapping fuccbois in 2015. Also, l-o-l at the idea of banks being scared off from dealing with a "rap company" re: the IPO.

Would actually be relevant if set in: 2006

In one of the first scenes of the series, when announcing plans to take Empire Records public, Lucious cites things like The Internet and buzzwords like "digital" as signs that industry sales are under attack. A statement upon which any viewer would've been within reason to assume the show takes place in 2006 or something, when record labels were actually stressed and mystified by the digital takeover. Surely not 2015, when artists and their backers are politicking with Soundcloud, Spotify, and iTunes on the daily and barely even measuring album sales as the number one metric of success. (He's also inexplicably holding a basketball during his address, so maybe we should just ignore this scene altogether.)

Would actually be relevant if set in: N/A, vv relevant now

Cookie (understandably) doesn't know what "going viral" means, but thankfully the culturally inconsistent creative team behind Empire does. Hakeem's drunken restaurant tirade—in which he takes a leak near table 4 and goes on an even more random anti-Obama rant—is pretty dumb, yes. But it would've been even dumber if the show let Lucious be right and Hakeem's career prospects tanked because he's a fucking idiot. Of course the effect is the exact opposite: the public's Hakeem radar goes way up, because fascination with imbeciles is totally on-trend. 

Would actually be relevant if set in: Who even knows

Not one song across five episodes of Empire, the series about modern black music royalty, has been overwhelmingly good. What's worse, none of them sound like songs that are even really of this current era in rap, mainstream or other, let alone feel like hits that would actually blow-up and crossover. Jim Beanz, the actor who also plays Titan, writes most of the songs and told WSJ his goal when creating for the show is to make music that's "sonically different than what you hear on radio. There was a time when music was so diverse, but a lot of songs you hear these days are so similar.” Welp, what he's handed in so far ping-pongs between the lowest form of imitation of exactly what's "on the radio" and songs that don't sound diverse so much as completely miss the mark of what would connect today.

The tone-deafness is equal opportunity, too. Lucious' legacy is that he built his label on the strength of a GOAT-level solo career, presumably in the early-aughts. Here's his "2002 mega-hit" (in-show news anchor's words, not mine) "What the DJ Spins". Does this sound even remotely close to what passed for a "mega-hit" in '02? The most acceptable is easily Jamal, whose music isn't so much bad as it is really boring. You can tell he's a real "artiste" though, because his music is always interspersed with Meaningful Flashbacks and he sometimes recreates Michael Jackson videos when walking through the hood looking for inspiration.