The Awards That Should've Been Given Out at the 2015 Golden Globes

Image via Complex Original

Tina promised us Cosby jokes a couple days before the Globes, but about nine minutes into the opening monologue and no mention of pudding pops! And then the floodgates opened. Of course Tina and Amy used Into the Woods and Sleeping Beauty as their entryway: “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” The audience, as audiences are wont to do in the face of controversial humor, groaned at first—Jessica Chastain actually covered her eyes. But that initial shock gave way to all-out laughter as Tina and Amy continued to bring the haymakers, and the best line of the night: in Cosby's voice, “I PUT THE PILLS IN THE HOAGIE!” For so long Cosby was untouchable, regardless of the mounting number of allegations against him. And still, post-Hannibal Buress, he avoids the public eye and hides behind statutes of limitations. But last night, Tina and Amy cut him deep while all of Hollywood piled on with laughter. That's what humor's all about.—Andrew Gruttadaro

Was this speech in-character? Because trolling everyone with an exercise in brevity seems like clasisc Lorne Malvo. Although, he probably wouldn't have left without dispensing a head-scratcher of a riddle. This is what happens when you get your award early in the night before that third whiskey soda takes effect. But in trying to avoid being a Monday morning meme after a rambling, blubbering speech, here we are talking about Billy Bob despite his best efforts because it was just too clear-headed a call for the only awards show with a wet bar. Well deserved win, though.—Frazier Tharpe

Maybe we would have let Jeremy Renner’s give-no-fucks frozen faced intro slide, had he not slipped in the most obvious joke about JLos assets as the Best Actor in a Miniseries envelope opened. (JLo: “I’ve got the nails.” Renner: “You’ve got the globes, too.”) It’s not that it was particularly offensive, just that it was so dang boring. Boobs! We get it! Save it for Twitter, Renner.—Nathan Reese

Awards ceremonies are all the same until someone gets up on stage and shocks the hell out of you because they seem genuinely surprised, thoughtful, and thankful that they won. That’s what happened when Gina Rodriguez (Jane the Virgin) took the stage to accept her award for Best Actress in a TV Series Comedy. You could tell how nervous she was as she walked to the stage, unsure of herself but also confident that, yes, they did just say her name. Once she hit the mic, her nerves were front and center until she exhaled a huge sigh of relief and commenced to deliver one of the most heartfelt acceptance speeches, dedicating her win to her father and the Latino community.—Lauretta Charlton

There's no need to explain further why Transparent is so good and powerful (we've done that here and here). But, if you dear readers will allow it, we're feeling a slight need to explain that, well, WE SAW THIS SHIT COMING LIKE WE HAD BINOCULARS (boy). Transparent was our best show of 2014, and so when director-writer-creator Jill Soloway stepped to the mic in a sharp suit to accept what she and her collaborators so richly deserve, it felt really, really good. Bragging over. You can go back to bashing us in the comments. —Ross Scarano

I'm honestly surprised Prince didn't come away with all of the awards last night. Everyone lost their shit when Prince came on stage, and he just stood their like a gawd letting them all drink him in. His confidence was on 100, and I have to assume his silver cane was why. The best part about it was how Prince completely redefined the notion of a cane. Most people with canes use them as walking aids, but not Prince. He levitates, so last night when he took the stage he just held the cane nonchalantly. That thing didn't touch the ground once.—Andrew Gruttadaro

The Frathaway: That's what we call it when two people go down in flames with a bad joke. And despite Margaret Cho's maddening ubiquity last night, the biggest Frathaway at the Golden Globes came courtesy of Seth Meyers and Katie Holmes. Something about non-winners getting a gift certificate to a breakfast buffet? And a joke about Daniel Day-Lewis? I don't know, my brain turns off at the first sign of try-hard awkwardness. The worst part? Meyers was one of the ceremony's co-writers, so he's doubly at fault.—Andrew Gruttadaro

Amy Adams, perhaps channeling her Oscar-nominated performance from Junebug (2005), exuded pure gee-shucks during her acceptance speech for her part in Big Eyes. In addition to sowing the seeds of shade for Frances McDormand and Maggie Gyllenhaal, Adams' earnest thank you brought into our lives just a really great guy we should all be grateful for: Darren. If you didn't walk away feeling all warm and tingly because Darren is real, Darren is present, Darren is here—for all of us—well, I just don't know. Let's hear it for Darren, the Best Guy. Let's hear it for the boy. *cue Footloose soundtrack*—Ross Scarano

Armed with the best intentions and an earnest mouth full of bright earnest teeth and very earnest words, Amy Adams told the audience that, “It's just so wonderful that women today have such a strong voice and I have a four-and-a-half year old and I'm so grateful to have all the women in this room. You speak to her so loudly.” Cut to: Frances McDormand, a 57-year-old war-ready veteran with over three decades in the game, ice-grilling Adams. McDormand didn't talk about. She just is about. And her withering, laser-focused look said, very plainly, “Women have been loud—where the fuck you been?” —Ross Scarano

I'm not even mad about Keaton’s Birdman win. The guy was great in a not-so-great movie. But you’d think Bruce Wayne could get it together for a speech rather than deliver a rambling (but very detailed!) history of growing up in Pennsylvania. Nothing wrong with being a proud Yinzer (what up Scarano!), but maybe a few less G&T's would have stopped Jack Frost from dictating his whole autobiography from the stage. Then again, his choked-up ode to his son was anything but ice cold.—Nathan Reese

Amy Adams tried really hard to make her acceptance speech seem meaningful. Viewers were instead subjected to what seemed like a half-baked feminist rant about women in the entertainment that didn’t quite make any sense. Enter Maggie Gyllenhaal to save the day and remind everyone that real bad bitches still live in Hollywood.

“I’ve noticed a lot of people taking about the wealth of roles for powerful women in television lately,” Gyllenhaal said during her acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Mini Series. “What I see actually are women who are sometimes powerful and sometimes not. And what I think is new is the wealth of roles for actual women in television and in film.”

Gyllenhaal probably wasn’t throwing shade at Adam’s directly. She was throwing shade at the entire Hollywood ecosystem and all of the celebrities who believe incremental progress will cure the industry’s land-standing gender and race disparity.—Lauretta Charlton

I don’t want to be that guy, but I’m sorry, it must be said that there was a lot of cleavage on display during last night’s Golden Globes. Jeremy Renner was the only person willing to make a full-on boob joke, quipping that Jennifer Lopez had the “globes” while the two presented Best Actor in a Mini Series on stage. Lopez may have had her rack out, but she did not take home the award for best cleavage. That honor goes to none other than co-host Amy Poehler, whose tasteful neckline in a gem-colored dress was quite the inspiration during the first half of the show. Sienna Miller, whose neckline was so deep that you could see her abdomen, was a close runner up.—Lauretta Charlton

So bad it's good. That's the only way to describe Hader and Wiig's doubly-meta presenter sketch, which if anything, livened up a pretty boring stretch of show so cheers for that. The duo's bit was obvious within seconds—hey, that's not how that famous line actually goes! But then it was just plain unfunny, only, they clearly knew it was unfunny and kept going anyway. Does that intent make the gag a success? Did they come up with this on their way to the stage? Good funny, bad funny, all I know is Hader and Wiig should just present every award. At least I was awake.—Frazier Tharpe

The night started off with so much promise—Tina and Amy hit all their marks and gave us some iconic Bill Cosby impressions. I PUT THE PILL IN THE HOAGIE. But then, they disappeared. Well, except for when they wheeled out a Kim Jong-un impersonator (Margaret Cho) multiple times to get off some borderline racist jokes. Last night was the duo's last run at hosting the Golden Globes after three years. In that span they cemented themselves as easily the best award show hosts we have right now. Unfortunately, last night felt much less like three-peat Michael Jordan and much more like Washington Wizards Michael Jordan. We'll always have the hoagie though :(—Andrew Gruttadaro

Common had a moving speech, traversing Selma, Ferguson and Eric Garner, all plotted out when he and John Legend won Best Song for “Glory,” but first he had to thank a couple people. “I want to thank God, and the Hollywood Foreign Press,” he said measuredly. That brought the house DOWN. Somehow everyone in the Beverly Hilton Hotel liked this more than Tina and Amy's Cosby impressions. The guy wasn't even joking! And why would anyone think he was!? First of all, everyone thanks God. And when being given an award, it's also customary to thank whoever gave it to you. But somehow, everyone thought Common was getting off some fire jokes. John Legend meanwhile, after hearing the crowd explode in laughter, leaned back in surprise. “Damn,” he must have thought. "These white people are wasted!"—Andrew Gruttadaro