The Good, the Bad, and the Penguins from the Bad Sex Awards

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By: Kirsty Wark

What’s It About: Newsnight anchor Kirsty Wark’s debut novel follows a young woman investigating a stranger who left her a house in her will, seemingly without any reason.

Worst Bit: “It was as if a dam within me had burst and we made love that day and night like two people starved, slowly suffused with more and more pleasure, exploring and devouring every inch of each other.” Quite frankly, that gushing imagery is just disgusting. Yeah, we get what you are describing but that’s the sort of horrible metaphor some spotty teenager would make when all they know of sex is Red Tube and science textbooks. We’re also pretty sure the same thing happens in the first Scary Movie film as well. Oh, and describing yourselves as two starving, malnourished people? Real sexy image there.

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By: Wilbur Smith

What’s It About: A typically epic historical adventure from Smith, following an ancient Egyptian slave traverse his way through what’s basically Game Of Thrones with Pharaohs.

Worst Bit: “Her body was hairless. Her pudenda were also entirely devoid of hair. The tips of her inner lips protruded shyly from the vertical cleft. The sweet dew of feminine arousal glistened upon them”. Ok, just to clarify things, ‘pudenda’ means “a person's external genitals, especially a woman's.” Seriously, nothing kills the mood when you have to stop mid-romp to reach for a dictionary just to understand your partner’s pillow talk. Look man, she’s already into you; you don’t need to impress her with big words.

By: Richard Flanagan

What’s It About: The harrowing story of a surgeon trying to survive a Japanese POW camp. It’s already won the Booker Prize, so Flanagan is going for the double here.

Worst Bit: “[Straight after a very detailed sex scene] Dorrigo looked up. A large dog stood at the top of the dune. Above blood-jagged drool, its slobbery mouth clutched a twitching fairy penguin”. So you’ve written this intricate, passionate sex scene. It’s integral to the plot and everything, it’s not just a pervy bit.  But then you’ve got to get back to the rest of the story. Segues are difficult. You can’t just fade to black like a film. What do you do then? I dunno, let’s have the dude look up and see, maybe, a dog looking down at him? And THEN THE DOG EATS A PENGUIN.

By: May-Lan Tan

What’s It About: A dark tale about a girl with amnesia from May-Lan Tan’s debut short story collection.

Worst Bit: “I lie back and her hair tickles my stomach, her mouth wrapping over me…. God. It's like sticking your cock into the sun”. Maybe it’s just us, but we can’t help but take the image of her mouth wrapping over him completely literally. Like he’s French kissing the stretchy guy from the Fantastic Four or something. Saying that, there’s probably some weirdos who get off on the idea of fitting their whole head in inside a girl’s mouth. But that’s nothing compared to that final line. We're crying just thinking of the sizzling noise…

By: Saskia Goldschmidt

What’s It About: The story of Mordecai de Paauw, fictional pre-war pharmaceutical entrepreneur and the man that brought the contraceptive pill to the masses.

Worst Bit: “She was moaning softly now, her breath coming faster. She tasted of apples”. To be honest the rest of the sex scene isn’t that bad. It’s just that line about her tasting like apples. That’s not even disgusting, it just weird. What is she, human Just Juice?

By: Haruki Murakami

What’s It About: The Norwegian Wood author’s latest book is a coming of age story about a teenager who was suddenly rejected by his peers and tries to find out why.

Worst Bit: “Their pubic hair was as wet as a rain forest. Their breath mingled with his, becoming one, like currents from far away, secretly overlapping at the dark bottom of the sea”. Ok, so this one might be the translation. Japanese is very expressive, poetic language, and when translated to English it can seem a bit obtuse. So maybe in his native tongue, Murakami doesn’t sound like as much like a sixth form poet pouring his out to the girl he lost his virginity to, who then promptly left him. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

By: Helen Walsh

What’s It About: A bored housewife indulges in a steamy relationship with her stepdaughter’s teenage boyfriend whilst on holiday in Mallorca.

Worst Bit: “She reaches out and cups his balls and squeezes gently. Nathan closes his eyes, bites his lip. Then he steps into her, furious. And when it hits her, it slams her hard and fast, as life once had”. The bit about cupping the balls sounds weird when you write it out like that. But easily the worst thing is the using the pelvic thrusting of her teenage lover as a simile for the crushing pressures of adult life. Yup, she really did that. 

By: Ben Okri

What’s It About: A spiritual tale about the lives of eight people transformed by magical lake in Switzerland.

Worst Bit: “When his hand brushed her nipple it tripped a switch and she came alight”. Guys, you don’t need to worry about being passionate tender lover. All that time you’ve spent taken perfecting your sex moves weren’t necessary. It’s all a myth. Apparently, all you have to do is flick her nipple and she comes on like a light switch.

By: Amy Grace Loyd

What’s It About: A young widow finds a new lease of life when a dangerous, seductive new tenant moves into her building.

Worst Bit: “Her throat as open as her body, wet everywhere from tears and the coming, and I did hear it, a long high twisting cry and a twisting in my arms as my fingers dove up and up into the full expressive wetness of her”. So much liquid. It’s just, icky. We get that this is supposed to be a big emotional point in the book, but seriously, when you write the phrase “full expressive wetness of her”, do you not read it back to yourself and “Nah, that’s a bit too much?” Doesn’t your editor?

By: Michael Cunningham

What’s It About: Two New York brothers search for enlightenment, one through religion, the other through drugs.

Worst Bit: “He thrusts once, cautiously. He thrusts again, and he's gone, he's off into the careening nowhere. He lives for seconds in that soaring agonizing perfection. It's this, only this, he's lost to himself, he's no one, he's obliterated, there's no Tyler at all, there's only… He hears himself gasp in wonder. He falls into an ecstatic burning harmedness, losing, lost, unmade. And is finished”. At least there’s a bit of variety here. Most of the other nominees go for searing moments of orgasmic enlightenment. Cunningham instead describes a dirty quickie. Sadly though, that doesn’t mean we’re spared any of the same juvenile pretention. “He hears himself gasp in wonder.” Sigh.