As Jimmy Kimmel pointed out when Shia LaBeouf appeared on his show last night, he seems to have gone crazy. In June, we heard about how a piss drunk LaBeouf got arrested during the intermission of a showing of Cabaret. A couple days later we found out about how he chased a homeless man around Times Square.
Last night LaBeouf recounted his waste of a day (that ended with a night in jail) on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and while the story sounded much more charming in his own words, the facts were still there—he chased a homeless guy around, he fed an elderly lady fruit, he smacked Alan Cummings' ass in the middle of a play, and he ripped his shirt off in a police station. So yeah, "gone crazy" is a pretty apt assessment.
If there's one dude who knows crazy, it's Louis Stevens, the sociopathic little shit played by LaBeouf who organized literal rat races and made a sci-fi movie called "Three Eyes Wide Shut." So we did the only sensible thing we could think of—we showed Louis LaBeouf's storytelling on Kimmel to see what he thought.
So I land in New York, I'm coming back from Ireland. And in Ireland, like when you go to Rome you have spaghetti, you know, you go to Ireland you drink whiskey. So I had been drinking a lot of whiskey in Ireland...
1.
... I go outside to have a cigarette and there's this homeless man out there...
2.
... And then a woman comes up and starts taking pictures of me with her cell phone and it trips him out, and I'm three sheets to the wind and I can't really calm him down. He starts running down the road, so I start running after him. I'm trying to calm this homeless man down in the middle of Times Square...
3.
... I turn around, start walking back to the bar to pay my bill, and I see this dude who comes up—and I don't know this guy. He comes up to me and says, "Hey, what are you doing tonight?" And I was like, "Well, I'm looking to turn it up a bit, you know?"
4.
... He says, "Well, why don't you come to my show? I'm a dancer in this Cabaret show." And I said, "Cabaret? Pffft, YEAH CABARET!"
5.
... In this show, they had tables and there were all these women in burlesque and I'm like, "Oh, this really is some kind of party." So I'm walking to my seat and on the way to the seat I see that there's this bar over here and I go, "Oh yeah, sure I'll have another drink 'cause I need one."
6.
... While I'm at the bar, there's a fruit plate, and I'm like, this is a really nice thing to just be offering fruit like this. So I start taking fruit off the fruit plate and I'm feeding this other woman who looks about 50, 60 or so...
7.
... The show starts and out comes Alan Tunig—ah, Alan Cumming... It looks like he's winking at me and I'm thinking, "Oh, well this is great." At this point I see the ballet guy who gave me the ticket and I'm like, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON PAL!" And now everybody's looking at me.
8.
Alan Cumming walks past me and I forgot all about that again. All I'm thinking about is the leather pants, him winking at me. And he walks past me and I give him a slap on the ass... I don't just slap and slap, I slapped and grabbed him. Like I grabbed a whole cheek because I wanted the whole party right here in my pants...
9.
... Anyway we get to intermission and a person tells me there's another party outside and I'm thinking, "Oh, well okay." And I see six cops having their own party...
10.
... So I get to the station and I quickly realize I am not made for this setup. So my possum is like, "You gotta do something, man. You're gonna die in here." So I turn into Tupac. Now I'm ripping my shirt off and I'm doing pushups like, don't mess with me, man. I'm crazy...
11.
... I'm tripping. So I figure I'm gonna spit on this cop's shoe—that's gonna be my way out. So I spit on his shoe and I'm looking at him—and it was. He put a Hannibal mask on me and a lead jacket and ushered me into my private little dwelling where I sat for 25 hours. And then they gave me a McDonald's egg sandwich.
12.
Soo yeah. Shia wins in craziness.
