It can be somewhat disheartening watching something like The Expendables, seeing all these guys old enough to be your dad who are all in far better shape than most people half their age. But wait! Help is at hand! Back in the 1980s and 1990s, when fitness videos were all the rage, many of them starred in their own workout tapes. Nowadays it’s just reality show contestants and soap stars that release these things, but back in the day the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lungren and Chuck Norris all committed their own workout programmes to tape, giving you a whole load of squats, crunches and reps to follow. So get off the sofa, get that Krispy Kreme out of your mouth and get in shape, as we take a look at the best workouts from the greatest action stars.
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Shape Up With Arnold (1982) / Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Body Workout (1983)
When he was still just known as the world’s most famous bodybuilder, Arnie capitalised on his burgeoning fame and jumped on the VHS workout tape bandwagon with 1982’s Shape Up With Arnold. It’s a rather boring tape to be honest, only really notable for the horrible synth jazz porno music that plays over the whole damn thing. It might not get you fit but it’ll definitely drive you insane. A year later though, he returned with the mindboggling CD/ audio cassette Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Body Workout. It’s a compilation of semi-memorable 80s hits including ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ and ‘It’s Raining Men’ with Arnold barking workout over the whole thing. Not just between tracks, actually over all the songs, making them completely unlistenable. Seriously, you’ve never truly heard Gladys Night and The Pips until you’ve heard them with Arnie shouting at you to do jumping jacks over them.
2. Dolph Lundgren
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Dolph Lundgren Maximum Potential (1986)
While Dolph Lundgren never really made it beyond being just a B-level action star, his 1986 workout tape easily puts Schwarzenegger to shame. Opening with Dolph as a lifeguard, monologuing about the power of nature whilst starring at girls sunbathing, the first half of it is a rather standard workout material, with him showing us his choice of reps to follow. Later on however it gets far weirder. First Dolph goes through his diet tips, in which we find out that he eats cereal with apple juice instead of milk, and also advocates eating cheesecake or ice cream for breakfast. Then we get to the ‘Stress Management’ section, where we get a weird skit about the most 80s looking businessman ever who is guided back to calm by a ghostly spectre of Dolph. Fun fact: Dolph Lundgren Maximum Potential features the first ever on-screen credit for Quentin Tarantino, who worked as a production assistant on the tape.
3. Mark Wahlberg
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The Marky Mark Workout (1993)
Remember when Mark Wahlberg wasn’t the Oscar-nominated star of The Departed and The Fighter, and instead was the only rapper with less cred than Vanilla Ice? Capitalising on what everyone presumed was just going to be his 15 minutes of fame, The Marky Mark Workout is possibly the most 1993 production ever made, with liberal use of the word ‘phat’, multiple backwards baseball caps and constant handheld black & white cutaways. Starting out with Marky Mark in bed being waken up by one of his boys because “dey makin’ pancakes, yo,” the video mostly seems like an excuse for Wahlberg to sweatily grind with a procession of “fly-ass honeyz” - every single workout for involves him having to get up close to his scantily clad female “assistants”. There are also frequent cutaways to Marky Mark shouting “Pow!” for some reason.
4. Hulk Hogan
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Hulkamania Workout Set (1980s)
Like most things Hulk Hogan did, his Hulkamania Workout Set is for the kiddies. It comes with everything you need—cheap looking plastic dumbbells, a flimsy looking handgrip, a wall chart, Hulk Hogan branded head and wrist bands, and most importantly, a 40 minute audio cassette narrated by the Hulkster himself. You can listen to the whole thing here, but the second side is mostly just generic 80s workout music that sounds like the sort of this Justice would have sampled in 2008. What’s even more incredible though is this commercial for it. Hulk has so little faith in the product he can’t even be bothered to endorse it himself, instead sending along his Wrestlemania 1 opponent ‘Mr Wonderful’ Paul Orndoff along instead. Even worse though is the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea to advertise a kid’s toy by having a grown adult in just his pants burst into a boy’s bedroom. We were so naïve in the 80s.
5. Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris’ Private Lesson (1997)
A long time ago, human internet meme and passionate gay rights opponent Chuck Norris was once a karate champion and credible action star. Despite having a title that makes it sound like a low-rent erotic thriller, Chuck Norris’ Private Lesson sees the bearded one demonstrate his martial arts’ techniques for you in the comfort of your own home. Clearly intended for a more advanced student than the rest of these beginner level tapes, the production takes a more serious tone, taking place against a black cardboard cityscape in front of a moody orange and purple cartoon sunset. Instead of the standard 80s synth that proliferate most of these tapes, we get an intense Asian-tinged percussion soundtrack. Chuck means business.
6. Lou Ferrigno
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Lou Ferrigno - Body Perfection (1985)
TV’s original The Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno first came to fame appearing the infamous bodybuilding documentary Pumping Iron, as champion Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new rival. And like Arnold, he was quick to get in on the workout tape gravy train. Ferrigno takes a much more laid back approach though, inviting a host of friends and celebrities into his living room to kick back and talk body perfecting. The opening credits reel of a list of high profile celebs that will be appearing, including a few of the LA Lakers, Steve Baio (brother of Bugsy Malone’s Scott Baio) and, er, a load of people nobody recognises. The true high point though is the opening titles music, which I guarantee will be stuck in your head for days after just one listen.
7. Steven Seagal
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Celebrity Guide To Wine (1990)
After a hard workout session you deserve to kick back and relax, maybe with a nice glass of fine wine. Luckily, a big name action star is also on hand to help you with that in the form of Steven Seagal. He pops up in the baffling 1990 video the Celebrity Guide To Wine, alongside other big names like Whoopi Goldberg, Herbie Hancock and Dudley Moore. He appears in just one single scene, where he sits on a sofa next to a fireplace wearing a tuxedo, while his then-wife Kelly Le Brock seductively opens a bottle of wine in front of him. They exchange some sexy banter then Le Brock leaves the room. Neither of them appear in the video again. If that’s not enough action-hero wine-based goodness for you though, later on Robocop himself Peter Weller turns up warning you to not drive your car after all that delicious wine.
