Read this aloud in Ben Stein's droning voice: "When you get here i want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don't want to f—k me. But i want to touch you and kiss you."

Weird right? Well, that's what the 69-year-old married with grandchildren actor texted a 24-year-old pregnant performance artist (and former escort) named Tanya Ma. Unfortunately for Stein, Ma let Page Six publish their text conversation today because "it’s unhealthy and toxic behavior that needs to be exposed." She's not totally wrong — this whole story makes me want to take like ten showers.

The correspondence shows Ma asking for money and Stein asking for "sexy pics" and a little touching and kissing. And when Ma limits the affection to "you may hug me and feel my baby bump," Stein responds, "Your note hurts my feelings. Insulting."

The weirdest part though is that Stein doesn't even seem to be too worried about his creepy texts and the fact that the whole world can see them now. First of all, Ma told Page Six that Stein's wife "knew about everything," which would be surprising if he hadn't written a super weird column about being eternally horny in American Spectator this month (in which he references his flirtation with Ma, calling her "Lucia" instead).

Need a third example of how IDGAF Ben Stein is? Here's his response to the Page Six story :

"She is a person I have only met for less than five minutes at an airport. I have never touched her, I have never had any sexual contact with her. I should get a medal for helping this woman.

"This is a person who appealed to me for money. She said she would send me some examples of her performance art. Some of those examples were racy, and some were not.

"I just don't get what I have done wrong. She is mad at me because she wanted more money.

"Here's the real story: Ben Stein has never had any criminal charge or any ethical blemish in his life, she tells him a sob story, he helps her out to the amount of thousands, she said she's going to have a baby and the father of the baby wasn't going to help her out.

"I didn't expect anything from her. Hugging and kissing doesn't mean I wanted to f–k her. I said that explicitly in my text. When is it wrong to hug people?"

When is it wrong to hug people, Ben Stein? Probably when you preface your desire to hug them with "I know you don't want to bang me but..."

Ferris Bueller will never be the same.

[via Page Six]