Ranking Part-Time Jobs Based on How Horrible They Are

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Pros: The job pays way too well for the skill set. You get tips for pulling a tap handle and making a joke about whatever game is on ESPN. If you put on suspenders and convince someone you're a mixologist, you're practically printing money.

Cons: The job is impossible to get and once you do get it, the money can turn into drugs and booze very easily. If you're attractive, you'll get sexually harassed. If you're not attractive, you'll wonder why you aren't getting sexually harassed.

Pros: They might as well re-name this job "Educational DVD Programmer." If you are actually asked to teach something, don't worry, you can just claim that the students were too unruly for you to accomplish anything.

Cons: None. This job rules. Just please, for the love of God don't hit on any students. Seriously. Also, good luck getting this job with so many people with actual teaching degrees working at Barnes and Noble or on the unemployment line.

Pros: On a normal day, you're responsibilities include absolutely nothing. You'll look like a hero that one time you catch a shoplifter.

Cons: There's always that one asshole you work with who is ex-military or a disgraced police officer who takes himself way too seriously.

Pros: You get to work outside and you'll probably have a boss who will leave you alone. There's also a clear measurement of whether or not you've done the job correctly. You don't usually hear, "I would really like it if you dug that ditch with a different approach."

Cons: In any major city, the market is flooded with people who need the job way worse than you, and will work twice as hard at it. Often, these people are immigrants who work the job just to feed their families. This can be a real bummer for someone trying to earn a little extra money to buy drugs and blu-rays.

Pros: If the kids are young enough, all you have to do is tire them so they'll go to sleep. If the kids are old enough, all you have to do is bribe them in order to secure good reviews.

Cons: Sexual harassment from parents is basically assumed; we've all seen this Lifetime movie before. You're also the first thing to go if the family coffers start to feel a bit empty. You need to be prepared to be replaced at any moment by an attractive French exchange student.

Pros: You make your own hours doing the easiest job in human history.

Cons: This is only a job in cities where it's impossible to survive on a dog walker's income. Your customers are exclusively people who have that rare combination or wealth and laziness to necessitate hiring a dog walker. Every day, you really have to question that Master's degree in Classical Literature.

Pros: Sometimes your job is just to act as a status symbol for your employer. Many people who employ personal assistants don't even have enough going on in their life to occupy their day, let alone someone else's.

Cons: You have to do whatever the fuck they want you to do. This can mean picking up their dry cleaning, mowing the lawn and, yes, that. And that. And even that.

Pros: You don't have to deal with people face to face. Most people you call hang up on you before can do your job anyway.

Cons: Your job gets outsourced to India before your first day.

Pros: Your job is relatively flexible and your co-workers are probably attractive.

Cons: People who know nothing about food tell you how much their food sucks all day long in hopes of getting more food for free. Customers feel that in exchange for a meager tip they should get the kind of service provided by a dedicated 19th century British butler.

Pros: You meet lots of attractive women working retail, and you have an excuse to talk to them as long as they'll talk to you. Your boss probably spends most of their day apologizing for the worst employees, so avoiding work and dicking around in the break room is pretty easy to pull off. You have so little responsibility it's almost painful.

Cons: Customers are the worst people in humanity. As more and more of the decent and intelligent portion of the population resorts to shopping online, you're left with the most entitled, dumbest portion of the public capitalism has to offer. Oh, and you have to allow these people to treat you like dog shit or you're fired. And to top it all off, when they something idiotic about the product that you're an expert on, you have to tell them they're right or you're fired.