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“A very small man can cast a very large shadow.”
Preach on, Tyrion Lannister.
Another thing a very small can do: overshadow every other character on television’s largest ensemble drama, HBO’s Game of Thrones. Due to its somewhat overwhelming lineup of uneasily distinguishable players with names like Gendry, Sandor, Varys, and Walder, Game of Thrones requires a fuck-ton of patience and attentiveness from its millions of viewers, but there’s one effortlessly agreed upon constant: Tyrion the imp, played by the almighty Peter Dinklage, reigns supreme as the show’s resident badass.
Unlike most of brutal period drama’s other male scene-stealers, Tyrion isn’t able to physically dominate anyone—unless you’re talking about beautiful women between his chamber’s bed’s sheets, of course. To routinely own every Game of Thrones episode he’s included in, Tyrion uses his sharp mind, quick wit, and no-fucks-given candor. Whenever the little man opens his mouth, quotable gold is guaranteed, especially if the target of his casually delivered vitriol is his despicable and wrongfully empowered nephew, King Joffrey. In those instances, Tyrion represents every Game of Thrones fan who’s ever wanted to pimp-slap Joffrey across his sniveling face—so, yeah, every single Game of Thrones fan.
This Sunday, at 9 p.m. EST, Game of Thrones returns for its sure-to-be-amazing fourth season, which means your Sunday nights will no longer be imp-free. As we all wait for Cersei and Jaime Lannister’s much cooler brother’s latest one-liners, here are The Best Tyrion Lannister Quotes on Game of Thrones So Far.
Tyrion appreciates your presence here:
Tyrion, the Philosopher
“My brother has his sword, and I have my mind. A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.” [season 1, episode 2, "The Kingsroad"]
"It's not easy being drunk all the time. If it were easy, everyone would do it.” [season 3, episode 10, "Mhysa"]
Tyrion, the Reckless Imp
“I just want to stand on top of the Wall and piss off the edge of the world.” [season 1, episode 2, "The Kingsroad"]
“Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. You want specifics, I suppose. When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe and she was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. I close my eyes, but I can still see her tits bouncing.” [season 1, episode 6, "A Golden Crown"]
“When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry, into the turtle stew! Which I do believe my sister ate, at least I hope she did.” [season 1, episode 6, "A Golden Crown"]
Shagga: “How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?”
Tyrion Lannister: “In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock.” [season 1, episode 8, "The Pointy End"]
Shae: “What do you want from me?”
Tyrion Lannister: “What do I want from you? I want you to share my tent. I want you to pour my wine, laugh at my jokes, rub my legs when they're sore after a day's ride. I want you to take no other man to bed as long as we're together. And I want you to fuck me like it's my last night in this world. Which it may well be.” [season 1, episode 9, "Baelor"]
[discussing Tyrion’s new living space] Cersei Lannister: “A bit of a comedown from the chamber of the Hand. But then I don't suppose you need much room.”
Tyrion Lannister: “Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.” [season 3, episode 1, "Valar Dohaeris"]
[hooking Podrick up with a prostitute]“A fair enough repayment for putting your spear through my would-be killer's face, wouldn't you say? Now, as it happens Marei is quite the spear-handler herself. She's here to thank you for staying by my side as the battle raged all around us.” [season 3, episode 3, "Walk of Punishment"]
“I am the God of tits and wine.” [season 3, episode 8, "Second Sons"]
Tyrion on King Joffrey, the Nephew He Loves to Hate
[in response to his arranged marriage to Sansa Stark] Tyrion Lannister: “There will be no bedding ceremony.”
Joffrey Baratheon: “There will be if I command it!”
[Tyrion puts his dagger on the table]
Tyrion Lannister: “Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!” [season 3, episode 8, "Second Sons"]
[to Joffrey] “We've had vicious kings, and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!” [season 2, episode 5, "The Ghost of Harrenhal"]
[about Joffrey] “It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.” [season 2, episode 7, "A Man Without Honor"]
Joffrey Baratheon: “Everyone is mine to torment! You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.”
Tyrion Lannister: “Oh, ‘monster.’ Perhaps you should speak to me more softly then. Monsters are dangerous and, just now, kings are dying like flies.” [season 3, episode 10, "Mhysa"]
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