Dear Florida,

What the fuck is wrong with you? We are beginning to think you take yourself seriously even though the entire world knows you are completely insane. Perhaps you disagree with our assessment. Please allow us to elaborate.

You looked pretty good in Miami Vice and Bad Boys. Golden Girls almost had us fooled. We may have overlooked the events that inspired Pain & Gain, but the 2000 presidential election revealed just how serious your backwards-ass toxic swamp of fuckery and madness really is. It's been a steady decline since then. It's not just the hanging chads and the recount, though. There's something certifiably deranged about your behavior. Have you always been this way?

Think about the presidents born in Florida. Oh wait, we know better than to let something like that happen. Think about your great historical moments, such as the Battle of Olustee during the Civil War. You know, the battle that you lost but are delusional enough to keep celebrating as a victory? You really crack us up. You may not have produced any presidents, but you'll always have Ted Bundy.

You see, everyday we all try not to laugh at you, Florida. It is very hard. If we’re not laughing, we are shaking our heads in disbelief, shame, and horror. Your high-ranking city officials use meth and hide it in their assholes. Citizens enter bars dressed as Rambo and threaten patrons with Uzis. You seem to think having sex with animals is OK. Guess what. None of this is OK.

Also not OK: Your justice system and laws. A woman who fires a warning shot at her abusive husband gets sentenced to 20 years in prison, but a man who shot and killed an unarmed 17-year-old avoids a murder charge? Is it really hard to agree upon the fact that Michael Dunn lit up that gas station because he’s a crazy murderer? Wait, don’t answer that!

What’s that you say? What about LeBron James? Funny you should mention him because we've noticed that his hairline has suffered greatly since moving to Miami. No thanks to you, his follicle struggle is real. Homeboy continues to lose hair at an accelerated rate. It’s more than genetics. It has to be something in the air. 

LeBron leading the Heat to back-to-back NBA championships is cool or whatever, but other than last year’s title and the infamous “Everytime” scene from Spring Breakers, you’re all bad these days, Sunshine. The last season of Dexter, the sinkholes, and your official ambassadors are proof.

We are writing this letter in good faith. You trouble us and we want you to know that we are paying attention. There’s no need to screw another dog, and George Zimmerman can stop making shitty art. We get it. Now chill the fuck out before you're dragged into the Atlantic Ocean.

The Rest of America

P.S. See you Memorial Day weekend!