"War is war, but killing a man at a wedding—horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing? As if men need more reasons to fear marriage." - Olenna Tyrell, describing wedding on Game of Thrones with a perfect sense of the macabre.
Because, indeed, you really don't want to get married anywhere near Westeros. Robb Stark, his wife Talisa, and Mama Catelyn Stark all learned that the fatal way at the House Frey last season, during a little television event known as "the Red Wedding." And now, much to the delight of anyone who's ever watched a single second of Game of Thrones, that sniveling little prick of a king, the blonde bastard Joffrey Baratheon, can talk about horrible nuptials in heaven with Robb.
Frankly, it was a long time coming. Already a less popular HBO character than A.J. Soprano, King Joffrey was especially terrible in last night's episode, "The Lion and the Rose." He single-handedly turned his own wedding reception—a festive outdoor celebration of his union with the sexiest lady in all of the Seven Kingdoms who doesn't own teenage dragons, Margaery Tyrell—into a carnival of douchebag actions. He threw money at a musical act made up of lowly peasants. He orchestrated a disrespectful performance from a bunch of imp-sized actors, during which they pretended to be Joffrey, Robb Stark, Theon Greyjoy, and other major Game of Thrones players and reenacted Robb's death in front of poor, ever-beleaguered Sansa.
But then Joffrey switched his attention to Uncle Tyrion, his favorite flesh-and-blood whipping post. Ordering Tyrion to be his goblet holder, Joffrey humiliated his evil mother's minuscule brother for the entire wedding party and attendees to see, finally commanding him to "kneel before your king," though Tyrion's ice-grill stare back at Joffrey lasted long enough for the cake to arrive and distract Joffrey.
To wash the "dry" cake down, Joffrey took a few big gulps of wine from his goblet, and then started gagging, and stumbling, and turning purple. Which is when millions of HBO viewers all across the land collectively shouted, "Oh, shit!" And then they all stood up and cheered—that piece of excrement Joffrey is now dead. One of TV's best villains is no more—admit it, for all the ways you've wanted to beat the piss out of Joffrey, actor Jack Gleeson has consistently been excellent in the role. You despise him by design, and Sunday nights won't be the same ever again. Now we all have to dedicate our most impassioned vitriol to…Ramsay Snow, perhaps? Sadly, hearing that asshole call Theon "Reek" is pillow talk compared to the power-drunk shade Joffrey has thrown at Tyrion.
Speaking of Lord Dinklage, Cersei, naturally, blamed Tyrion for perpetrating what's known to A Song of Fire and Ice readers as "The Purple Wedding," but that's too obvious. Not to mention, Tyrion's face, as he held Joffrey's goblet, looked just as stunned as everyone else's. As much as we'd like to award Tyrion with this week's "Biggest Badass on Game of Thrones" award, that'd be a bit premature. "The Lion and the Rose" ended without an answer as to who poisoned Joffrey. And, since I've never read any of George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones books, I don't have the answer myself, though I'm wiling to take an educated guess. She might not be the sole culprit, but Westeros' favorite Golden Girl, Granny Olenna, is almost certainly involved. Her talk of "war is war" wasn't just idle chatter with Sansa, a.k.a. Joffrey's biggest hater next to Tyrion, and all the Twitter people who enthusiastically tweeted about how happy the king's demise made them last night. She was foreshadowing the evening's biggest event (sorry, Matthew Weiner).
And for that, Olenna receives an I.O.U. instead of this week's actual "Biggest Badass" prize. Raise those wine-filled goblets to whomever officially silenced Joffrey Baratheon once and for all.
Actually, on second thought...
...let's leave all goblets alone for the time being.
Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)
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