A Cozy Man's Guide to Surviving Winter

Image via Complex Original

There’s nothing wrong with a wintertime gut. In fact, a little extra cushion underneath the cardigan is an endearing February style accessory. But you're 16 weeks from bikini season and, as such, need to curtail the number of chicken wings you eat relative to the number of uninterrupted hours you spend on you couch watching Netflix. 

The best cozy man years are ahead of you, dawgie. So, you need to watch out for your health.

Now, if you go from eating frozen pizza at midnight during the holidays to a diet of dehydrated apricots and raw pine nuts, you’ll slip-up in epic fashion. Your neighbors will find you passed out in a pantry wearing a salsa-stained Eli Manning jersey and surrounded by a dozen empty cans of pie filling. But, if you make an effort to eat clean, cut soda, and only crush peanut butter cups in moderation, you’ll wean the weight for summer. In the meantime, keep a little extra insulation for winter.

Oftentimes, dudes with guts will buy ill-fitting suits from TJ Maxx with the aim of sheathing their belly with OD fabric, which is a wildly misguided strategy. It sounds counter-intuitive, but a tailored fit will actually make a chubby guy look like he can bench press a Buick. By talking about CrossFit in a fitted sport coat, you’ll perpetuate the notion that you can choke-out a grizzly bear with your bare hands. Burly beats slovenly every time, so shell out a few extra bucks to customize your kit.

Without a beard, The Most Interesting Man in the World would look like a bloated Alec Baldwin. Not only does a well-maintained face blanket drape unsightly lumps, but it also exaggerates your personal allure with its mere presence. Carrying a few extra pounds is infinitely more stylish when paired with facial hair.

If you don’t want to grow a full-on beard, just extend your shave line further down your neck. By angling a little stubble, you’ll give your jaw that Jon Hamm effect without having to bust out 100 handstand push-ups every morning.

If you trace the origins of your winter gut, the road will probably lead to an empty bottle of piña colada mix and, like, a Brink’s tuck worth of cider beer. At this point, you need go with something warming, seasonal, and not as calorie-laden as a 12-pack of English Stout Ale. 

If—because of your gut—you pigeonhole yourself as unworthy, then you’ll spend most of the winter dating your Brazzers account. This sounds like a vapid Oprah platitude, but landing a girl is more about moxie than wind sculpted abs. LOL, just joking. You’re wayyy better off with a six-pack than operative levels of self-confidence by, like, a lot. But, channel your inner Johnny Manziel and good things will happen.

One last piece of advice: Do not deceive people with a doctored picture on your Tinder profile. Manipulating expectations will beget failure and a sullied first impression, however shallow, is a nearly impossible hurdle to overcome. Be honest, decent, and likable, and good things will happen.

Right now, the gym is more cluttered than the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. It's an absolute clusterfuck of people with New Year's resolutions and something to prove, walking on inclined treadmills in sweat-wicking performance ensembles. You want no part of that, cozy dude. If you eat clean and get loaded on scotch exclusively, you'll keep your wintertime belly from expanding into a full-blown burlap sack full of watermelons.

By next month, most of those newbies will lose their drive and that's when you go in...hard. If you regularly mix a few games of pickup basketball with a taxing session at the squat rack in March, then you’ll be a formidably restructured force by April Fool’s Day. To hit the beach with a barrel chest and wraparound blades is to deliver a roundhouse kick to summer’s face. You want to rock your winter gut in the winter, but use it as a base to hulk out in the dog days.

It's going to be hard to resist a drunken trip the burger joint after a tumbler of Johnnie Walker and a bong rip. But the easiest way to turn your endearing layer of cushion into a blubber-ridden cocoon is with 14 dollar's worth of Taco Bell at 3 a.m. As a cozy man, you'll do plenty of lounging, so don't burn the candle from both ends by binging as well. 

This guy just gets it.

Invariably, you will have haters who will dog you for carrying a little extra weight and lounging around the crib watching Teen Mom. Tell them to kick rocks. There's no better time of the year to be cozy than when the wind chill is -17 degrees and there's a wall of snow imprisoning your car. You'll have all summer to impress people with physical activities, like waking up for work on time and showering. But, for now, the winter is yours.