What's a fear boner, you ask? It's the sexual attraction you get from someone who, theoretically, could end your life. Obviouslyread the context clues. Fear boners are why fan pages of Tonya Harding are still up and probably why you're going to google Simone Farrow, the Penthouse Pet who ran a drug ring, as soon as you finish read this. Or now—open up a new tab. Scary ladies can be scary sexy.

That's why we're little puppy dogs for Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Detective Rosa Diaz (played by the excellent Stephanie Beatriz). Her fierce loyalty to her fellow boys in blue and beautiful deadpan delivery of no-nonsense sends our hearts fluttering. Is it love or our fight-or-flight instinct kicking in? Who can say? All we can really do is try our best to explain her appeal:

Her idea of a perfect date coincides with your own. 

She doesn't feel the need to fill every waking moment with empty conversation.

She gives sage advice, but won't guarantee you'll walk away without an STD. 

She always takes responsibility for her actions.

She knows what she likes (but it probably isn't you).

She's not afraid to bust out some formal wear, like her nicer leather jacket. 

She knows all the key items a girl can't leave the house without.

She sincerely believes honesty is the best policy.

She's graceful, but that's expected of someone who went to ballet school (and was later kicked out for beating up ballerinas). 

There's no mixed signals to read. Diaz's physical cues will tell you when it's right to go in for a kiss, or leave her the hell alone. 

And who doesn't like a bit of mystery?

Written by Hope Schreiber (@HopeSchreiber)

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