Life as a budding and curious cinephile shorty was rough. While grade school classmates were bragging about how their older siblings showed them Faces of Death over the weekend, the coddled kids were forced to watch Pinocchio on repeat, with mommy and daddy supervising the viewing experience. HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and even the USA Network (miss you, Rhonda Shear and Up All Night) were off-limits. Those trips to the now-dead Blockbuster Video chain's stores were comparable to being the POTUS, with parental units acting as lurking-over-your-shoulder Secret Service agents. The desire to pick up that VHS copy of Basic Instinct was quickly usurped by mom selecting Babe: Pig in the City.
There were methods to combat the restrictions, though. Sleepovers at the houses of friends with "cooler," more laid-back parents. Handling an older siblings' chores as payback for he or she slipping you those slasher movie VHS tapes. Or, the funnest one of all, sneaking into the parents' bedroom when they weren't home at night and watching cable movie networks, with one eye on the screen and the other concentrating on the door, in paranoia.
Any or all of those stealthy tactics would explain why said kids, now all grown-up, can't be intimate with a significant other without hearing the smoky horns and silky guitars from Skin-A-Max soundtracks playing in their heads. Or ever accept any babysitting jobs, in fear that some masked psycho killer will ruin their night. Or any of the other symptoms included here—these are 15 Signs You Watched Too Many R-Rated Movies as a Kid.
You think all sex happens underneath bed sheets and blankets.
You once tried the Porky's "glory hole" move.
You once messed up someone's car with the "banana in the tailpipe" maneuver.
You've seriously contemplated how you'd feel letting a rich guy rent your lady for the night for $1 million.
You really think that by tasting cocaine you'll be able to tell if it's good or not.
You assume that because you're American, beautiful women in other countries will shag you.
Your most important accomplishment in life is losing your virginity.
As a kid, the only way to express the hard day you just had at the playground was to come home and sip Kool-Aid out of a glass with two cubes of ice, while staring contemplatively out a window.
You're an insomniac because of a certain kind of nightmare.
Hockey goalie masks scare the shit out of you.
You assume every adult curses as much as Sarah Connor.
You're deathly afraid of taking road trips with friends.
You think you can jump through windows with ease.
You still peek out of the shower curtain to see if someone's there.
