They say that behind every great man stands a great woman, and, of course, by “they” I mean douchebags. Over the last four glorious seasons, Eastbound and Down has taught us a slightly different lesson. Behind every great man stands another great man…and they’re both looking to get freaky with as many women as possible. Don’t take our word for it—take it from Stevie Janowski himself.
While playing the Pippen to Kenny Powers’ Jordan, the Sancho Panza to Kenny’s Quixote, the Goose to his Maverick (OK, if you ask Kenny, Shane was Goose to his Maverick, but you get the picture), Stevie has had his fair share of adventures, sexual and otherwise.
Let’s throw out the “otherwise” for a minute and focus on the erotic side of Stevie’s journey. Mr. Janowski started out a lonely music teacher, went south of the border south of the border, and came back an enlightened Lothario. Along the way, he learned enough lessons to last him a sexual lifetime. Before the music teacher turned love machine takes his curtain call, let’s look back at Everything Stevie Janowski Taught Us About Sex on Eastbound and Down.
Focus on her pleasure and you’ll reap the benefits.
Stevie will go to great lengths to please a woman. He's the opposite of a selfish lover. We’ve seen him engage in all manner of freaky, experimental sex, and we’ve even watched him put himself in some uncomfortable positions for the woman he loves. The first thought on his mind is about what he can do to please his partner.
Sometimes, he goes too far…
…but women always appreciate how the lengths he’ll go to give them what they want.
Put yourself in her shoes.
Not only does Stevie please his lovers, he empathizes with them. Part of the explanation for his prowess is his uncanny ability to understand a woman's experience of the world.
Sometimes, he goes too far…
Look for love in all the right places.
Stevie recently picked up a one-off adulterous affair at the funeral of a man he barely knew. Love is a battlefield, and what this really means is guerilla warfare. You are the Vietcong.
When the time is right, show off your bod.
You might be slightly repulsed by amount of time that Stevie appears shirtless during Eastbound and Down. Tough luck for you, pal, because the ladies find it irresistible. Stevie goes topless during auto repair…
...during work barbecues…
…and of course:
Always say yes to phone sex.
Even if some of it gets lost in translation, it’s the thought that counts—even if your thoughts come out twisted and freaky.
There’s nothing wrong with being Eskimo brothers.
Many men look at this situation as a mark of shame, but for Stevie it's a way to grow closer to his best friend, a way to strengthen their bond, or as he put it…
Almost anything can be an aphrodisiac.
When you're a weary traveller like Stevie, you don’t always have the time to set the perfect mood. Sometimes potatoes at a mall kiosk can set the mood just as well as candles and Kenny G.
If you can’t do it well, do it passionately.
What Stevie lacks in erotic acumen, he makes up for with effort. Though it’s tough to watch his lap-dog licking kissing style and his rapid-fire thrusts, the ladies don’t seem to be complaining.
Or maybe we just can’t hear them over Stevie’s sweaty squeals.
Of course, Stevie doesn’t always get things right. Sometimes, we’ve learned from his mistakes.
He’s a reminder to forever wrap it up.
He’s showed us what happens if you don’t come clean when you’re unfaithful.
And he’s prompted us never to make a sexual promise we aren’t willing to keep.
But through thick and thin, Stevie has taught us to be true to ourselves and our sexuality...whether other people like it or not.
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