How To Get Through A Workday Without Doing Any Work

Image via Complex Original

This may sound silly at first, but it is an essential loafing strategy. If you are planning on goofing off all day, get to the office way early. Trust us. If business hours start at 8 a.m., arrive at 7 a.m. Yes, we know. That does sound idiotic. Let us finish.

Once you arrive, find an email or two that you can quickly reply to that lets your boss or client know that you were working on stuff before business hours. That email provides a timestamp, the corporate America version of Willy Wonka's golden ticket. Tales of your heroism will be spoken in hushed tones by the water cooler. Your co-workers will be in awe of you. After you send those couple emails, do no other work. Read Twitter. Take a nap. Try to beat that 6-second high-score in Minesweeper. It doesn't matter what you do during that time, but don't do any more work until your supervisor arrives. They will be so impressed with your commitment that they'll cut you some slack to slack even more.

A good piece of advice is to become friends with the janitors, IT people, and cafeteria workers. Most employees don't take the time to be personable towards them, even viewing them as having a lower status. They couldn't be more wrong. If you get on their good sides you will benefit from untold riches.

Befriending the IT Person involves some work. Usually, a plate of homemade baked goods is enough to get them on your side. However, if you can patiently suffer through one of their terrible stories about LARPing or RAID arrays or the time they hacked the state government's website, you will be set for life. Does your company have computer usage tracking software? They'll let you know how to get around it or what triggers alarms for an audit. Want a program installed that requires an administrator? They've got you. Want an extra monitor or computer upgrade? They can make it happen with ease. The insight you'll gain from their intimate knowledge of the company's infrastructure far outweighs the time wasted hearing them ramble on about parsing SQL queries. Get them to install a video game or pirated copy of Photoshop to help pass the time.

Pecking away at your phone is a rookie mistake. Taking a personal call can occasionally slide, but there is no quick recovery when you are preoccupied with your mobile device. Relegate all communication to your computer. Most businesses run on Google Apps, which is perfect because it can look like you are responding to emails... but little do they know you are talking about how crazy Scandal was last night (Can you believe how thirsty Edison was?). Import all of your friends' personal emails into Google Talk, and make sure to click "Go Off The Record." No reason to have your chat logs archived in your inbox because that creates evidence against you. Microsoft Lync users can also have Google Talk contacts IM with them by scheduling an online meeting.

Other options for texting/messaging include Google Voice, Facebook Chat, and more. Some cell phone providers like Verizon even provide an online messaging system that can be utilized to communicate with the outside world while keeping a low profile. Now proceed to get those IMs and SMSes off.

What this does is let people think that you are, in fact, working. Not only that but working on something so diligently that your computer resources couldn't keep up! Scream that you want to "throw this damn laptop through the window and autoerotic asphyxiate with the remaining Cat5 cabling." This angry act also affords you a quick "cool down walk." No one will question you. They'll actually encourage it. Tell everyone on your way to the break room how much Excel sucks. "Those damn processors" is a thing you can say that sounds convincing. Once in the break room, refill your water (which will help perpetuate more bathroom breaks). It's all about efficiency—just don't be too efficient.

Unless you are the boss, people are checking for signs that you are doing things. Keep your desk messy. It looks like you are referencing notes. Reply back to easy e-mails quickly. Emails with the most people CCed on them get highest priority. After all, we're looking to cast a wide net of people seeing that we are "doing" "things." When you get up to walk around the office, keep a prop. A simple document in a folder works wonders. Make sure to walk hurriedly and reply to questions from stray co-workers with "Haha. Staying busy!" or "Never a dull moment. That's for sure." Keep it brief and vague. Call a customer support number and don't press any numbers (or choose the one that has the longest queue). Having a phone up to your ear keeps co-workers at bay. Have many programs open on your computer. Pretty much anything that makes you look like you are drowning in work.

Pro Tip: change your wallpaper or standby timer to an hour or greater. That way it never looks like you have been away from your desk for too long. Also, never ever talk to co-workers about what you are doing, not even your "friends." Word gets around, and you do not want Judy from accounts receivable tattling on you.

If you follow the previous step, you've already carved out a good amount of extra time. However, to take it to the next level, make sure to hold/force any bowel movements to around 15 or 30 minutes before you usually take your lunch break. If you suppress your sphincter enough, you'll be backlogged and it should take even longer. You've effectively extended your lunch break, and no one can say anything because you are pooping. If they do, you can sue. Them's the rules that Obama put into place. If you are a professional loafer, you've probably already trained your bowels to begin rumbling around that time. Good for you. Since you are playing this game at a higher level, can you get two—or even three—poops in? A wise man once said, "Never shit on your own time."

Bonus: If you drink enough beverage on your lunch break, you'll be able to scoot into the office and head straight to the bathroom to pee. Lunch break went from 60 minutes to 85 minutes.

Drinking water not only will keep your brain moist and hydrated, but drinking water means trips to the water cooler or the kitchen for refills, which means less time at your desk. Plus, you might run into a co-worker that you can chitchat with for a bit, extending your trip time. The subsequent bathroom trips to expel that processed H₂0 are icing on the cake. The Complex office record is 15 bathroom trips in one day. Can you beat that?

This is a long con; this strategy takes legendary stealth and extensive groundwork, but the pay off is worth it. If you are serious about loafing, and make enough money, outsourcing your own job is the end-game. Your company pays you $100,000 a year; you farm it out to a third-world company for $20,000 a year. Boom. You are getting paid $80,000 to do absolutely nothing. With all that free time you could freelance or moonlight with a second career while at work. Outsourcing your own job and still getting paid for it is The American Dream manifested. It was what our forefathers envisioned all those years ago.