"The Guilt Trip… Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weave through traffic, I'd watch Seinfeld's web series." - (On Seth Rogen's recent box office flop.)

"Andy Samberg, I'm really looking forward to your new show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Funny cops—you're always pushing the envelope, Andy."

"I know I'm in awe of you for your integrity as an actor, from jerking off next to a boulder to sucking a gun like a dick—you are truly the Jimmy Stewart of today. But I know it hasn't always been easy for you, James. You overcame a crippling childhood affliction known as 'dumb face.' But you never let that interfere with your dream of making dog-shit movies and explicitly gay Gucci ads."