10 Rules To Remember While Sexting

Image via Complex Original

First things first, if you sext you are probably going to get caught, so deal with that. Before you send a picture of your penis with a Hefe filter to give it an unnatural glow, understand that unless there is some magic fluke of discretion and maturity going on, that picture will be laughed about, shared, and maybe plastered all over amateur porn sites on the internet. According to an internet watch site, 88% of sexting exchanges over social media are leached from by "parasite" sites looking for a good titty shot. As the New York Times once said, sexting is the "digital lipstick on the collar."

But unlike those wayward kisses with some floozy in the back of a bar, these lipstick prints can't be scrubbed off the internet, or even off your phone. Naughty perverted ghosts in the machine track everything. If you were to ever go missing, the government would find your long-deleted sex messages. So, if you don't want them to ever be found, don't do it. But, that's boring. If gravity still calls you by your first name, suck it up and go buckwild.

Here are some basic rules of human decency: don't share pictures of other people and pretend they are you, and don't show your friends pictures of the person you are sexting with. The best part about sexting is the naughty eroticism of the whole thing and the best way to keep that buzz alive is to keep all your dealings secret. Plus, imagine if someone you were sexting with revealed your "O" face with andshared all of your sexual proclivities. It's a violation of privacy, and if you are going to be a nasty hot sexy adult, than you need to act like one. 

Lady parts and man bits are attractive in theory, but blurry close-ups with poor lighting and aggressively unattractive angles are just not sexy. Imagine the two of you are having a rousing sext chat where both of you are getting digitally naked piece by piece and, wham, there's a penis in her face. It's shocking, disturbing, and, for most women, not something they want to stare at. Unless they explicitly ask for it (as in, "send me a picture of your penis.") In that case, you're allowed to send whatever you want. Just don't put some weird yellow or green filter on it. Trust us on this.

If you are going to sext unknowns on OKCupid or Tindr or wherever, don't give them your full name. Don't tell them where you are. Don't add them on your social media and Foursquare your location at some bar. Don't talk about where you work. Just exchange dirty pictures and be done with it. Cyber sex should stay that way. Unless you think you met the girl of your dreams and she also likes the Gin Blossoms ironically. Then you should maybe meet up.

It doesn't matter if you are hiding something from a friend or a loved one or a wifey or yourself because you're in denial: erase all your texts after the sexting. If your naughty little nuggets end up in the wrong hands, it's game over for you. Also, when friends are creeping through your pictures like, "Oh, here's a picture of that pizza we just ate and here's a picture of you snorkeling and here's a picture of—oh god—some other kind of watersport" you won't have to throw your phone out of a moving vehicle in shame or make up an excuse for your nude selfies. This rule goes for e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, and everything other social media and/or communication medium in existence. Why do you need to save a sext in the first place? For posterity? We're pretty sure your grandchildren won't be interested in what position you liked best.

It's possible to sext without using any words or terms that someone would immediately find offensive. You have to use your imagination and some sort of twisted Internet slang that's harder to decipher than pig latin. Or you can make up your own phrases like "I really want to juice your carrots" or "My cereal's dry and I need you to bring over milk." If you don't want to go through the trouble of making up a code, just use this guide. Some "sexting" words include: GNRN ("Get naked right now"), RUH ("Are you horny?"), cu46 ("See you for sex") and, our favorite, 8 ("Oral Sex").

Look, we're not going to tell you not to get your groove on with someone other than your girlfriend. If you want to cheat, that's your prerogative. But for the sanity of everyone involved, just don't sext. Actually, you should probably not text period, but it's hard to coordinate where you're going to have your illicit affair sometimes. However, sexting is such an awful thing to come up when shit finally goes down. If your partner finds out you are cheating that's one thing; reading or seeing that sexual interaction is another. That is some mean, heartbreaking therapy fodder and if you cared enough to get into a relationship with the person you are cheating on, you should care enough about how that cheating is going to affect them. You're already screwing with your sacred bond; have the courtesy of not doing it in a way the whole world can possibly witness. Just think Tiger Woods. Do you want your Elin smashing your windows in with a golf club?

We're a reckless, rowdy bunch that has probably sexted while drunk and driving. While what we really need in that situation is a burrito stuffed with french fries and a smack in the back of the head, the instinctual inclination when one is wasted is to go to the bone zone with anyone that will temporarily confirm your sexual attractiveness. You might drunkenly think its better for all involved if you only "sext" rather than instigate a 4 a.m. booty text, which usually reads something like "hi, r u up?" But, here's the difference: saying where you wanna put your thing in her thing is explicit while saying hi is not. Plus, you are bound to run into some horrifying mistakes when you are drunk. Texting the wrong person? Totally possible. Sending a picture that might make it onto the Internet? Yep. Seeming desperate, weird, perverted, and morally depraved? Well, deep inside, you probably are, but alcohol will just heighten those personality flaws. Here are some ways to not drunk sext: get an app like Drunk Lock to block your ability to call or text anyone but emergency numbers. Give your phone to a responsible friend. Hide it in the trunk of your car. Accidentally drop it in the toilet. That's the universe's way of saving drunk people from inevitable doom.

Seriously, this should seem like common sense, but so many sext messages include obnoxious duck faces or sexy "smizing' that ends up looking like the person wants to shank their lover instead of big spooning them in a puddle of sweat. Here's a brief list of "famous" people that have gotten naughty notoriety  from having their face in a sext: Anthony Weiner, Scarlett Johansson, Alison Pill et al. It would be impossible to go through them all because the one thing about people in general, especially famous ones, is that they like showing off the goodies.

If you're going to do that, fine. Do it the right way and never, ever take pictures that include your face. If a picture of your naked bum shows up on your broken-hearted ex girl's weird-ass porn Tumblr, you can refute it belongs to you as long as there aren't any distinguishing marks. Like tattoos. Save your bad, highly regrettable permanent art for marriage.

Sloppy sexting will get you nowhere. While this is the easiest way to send a dirty picture, you also relinquish control over your pictures. Just sending your picture via a different medium can help save your from the nudie ammunition someone might try to extort you with later. All the kids are using Snapchat; long diatribes by parents who subsist off Dr. Phil-style advice have reached the Internet and most people who don't live under a sex-repelling rock know that Snapchat is great for "disposing" pictures after a certain amount of seconds. The only issue with Snapchat is that if you set your time limit for too long, your picture can be "screenshot." While Snapschat alerts you when this happens, it doesn't change the outcome.

There are also other more grown-up options like Quimby or TigerText that aren't as easy to use as Snapchat and don't have a cute ghost mascot, but they have really awesome privacy features including the ability to recall a message. If you're wasted at 4 a.m. and send a weird picture of a gesture simulating sex, you can recall it when you wake up hung over and aghast four hours later.