The 10 Types of People You See at the Beach

Image via Complex Original

As Richard Simmons' Sweatin to the Oldies was for stay-at-home moms in the '90s, CrossFit is for today's young adults, especially the ones that were cut from their junior high basketball teams. 2013's prevailing fitness trend turns otherwise likable people into insufferable gasbags for the "paleo lifestyle," and turns peaceful beaches into air squat-fueled sandstorms. These days, if you head out to the shore to watch a serene sunrise whilst enjoying your morning coffee, a sea of grunting thirty-somethings doing kettlebell swings and vomiting sand will boorishly interrupt you. 

Settle down, sparky. Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, and Ashley Benson ain't showing up to your beach to fire off oozis and share lines of blow with you. *sad face emoji* Instead, you'll end up sharing the sand with a bunch of fifth year seniors who think it's a good idea to put their Salvia bong hits on Vine. It's all fun and games until someone vomits on your flip-flops and Pitbull takes the stage to scream "Dale!" and lip synch his way through "Feel This Moment". Wooo! Spring break!

Wherever there's cleavage and domestic beer on ice, you'll find a group of expertly trained butt chuggers that—finally—have an appropriate excuse to show off their abs. With frat letters tatted on their ribs and Fox Racing board shorts hanging a lil' too low, this boy band of future date rape defendants will quote lines the Hangover trilogy and blast Mumford & Sons until they're the only people on the sand. There's absolutely no escaping this crew if you're within ear shot. Unless a high tide sweeps 'em out to sea, you're in for an afternoon of chant-based drinking games and exaggerated stories about girls they've "smashed." 

Beaches have such potential for beauty, but discarded McDonald’s bags and the key torn beer cans of shotguns past plague them. If you've ever walked on a New Jersey beach in August, then you know what it's like to rummage through bowling alley dumpster. We know you're drunk, sunburnt, and tired, but please grab your empties. We only have one planet.

If you go to the beach for the sole purpose of ogling bikini clad women, prepare yourself for utter disappointment. For every set of Rihanna caliber butt cheeks you come across, there will be 6,500 linear feet of back hair, 255 pairs of C Cup man boobs, and one old ass Greek dude who thinks he's on the clothing optional shores of Mykonos. SMH. It's important to remember that beach life is not as awesome in the real world as it is in DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince music videos. 

You're bound to stumble across a diverse array of families at the beach, but their days all go the same. In the beginning, it's jubilation. Mom's spreading out an adorably prepared picnic, dad's playing fetch with the family lab, and the kiddos are detailing an scaled replica of the Taj Mahal out of sand. Then, things change. Three hours into their beach day, mom's got a wicked case of sunburn, dad's urinary tract infection starts to flare up, and the kids are traumatized after seeing a drunken spring breaker butt chug a Smirnoff Ice. Next year the family's going to Epcot Center.

The hotter the weather, the more likely you are to see guys with tribal shoulder band tattoos completely lose their shit. This dude is pretty easy to spot. He sets up shop in the beach's most crowded area, chugs warm Milwaukee's Best until he has heart palpitations, and then asks anyone who steps on his towel if they "Wanna go!?". The good thing about chubby guys that are completely tanked is that they're horrible fighters. Complex City Guide doesn't condone violence against anyone...except for this cat. If he hits you with a "MOVE!" for accidentally blocking his sun, squeeze out a bottle of SPF 45 in his eyes and kick sand in his face. 

Even if a beach is completely void of romanticism and beauty, there WILL be a couple on location for a hackneyed engagement photo shoot or a starry-eyed walk on the sand. Like, there could be a decaying Humpback whale washed up on the oil-soaked shores of Alaska, and you'll still see a pair of recent law school grads celebrating their engagement by scratching "I <3 U" in the petroleum drenched coast. Someone decided that the beach is filthy ass nature's most enchanted scene, so, naturally, it's full of cheese ball couples looking to Instagram themselves in front of sunsets.

Every beach has its collection of Western European imports who, apparently, have no qualms about exposing their nuts on the beach. Are thigh-length trunks really that burdensome, Pasquale? Would it kill you to just go to PacSun and pick up a pair of Quicksilver boardshorts? Unless you're trying to scar young children or turn on a heated Paula Deen, there's asbolutely no reason to apply work on your crotch's tan line in public. 

There's something about combining sunshine and coconut rum that turns otherwise delightful young ladies into sunburnt constructions of Axl Rose. You'll know when that girl's had one six too many frozen margaritas because she'll start wolfing down McDonald's fries and monopolize the boom box with Top 40 country joints. There's a direct correlation between one's knowledge of Florida Georgia Line lyrics and propensity towards swinging on a police officer. Day drinking gets the best of all of us sometimes, but this chick can't sip the foam off of a Corona Extra tallboy without shattering her iPhone screen and catching a drunk and disorderly charge.