Drunkard of the year: Police lieutenant arrested for suspicion of DWI
Registered meth labs: 36
Total strip clubs: 3
Most ratchet moment of 2013 (so far): Two arrested for shooting at cops
Number of IHOPs: 4

St. Louis has a troubled relationship with food. Dinnertime stabbings during during pork chop debates and heated arguments over a bag of Cheetos that end in fatalites reinforce St. Louis' position in the bottom half of the American Fitness Index, because people seem to have no problem killing for snacks.

Also consider the tense relations between restaurant servers and customers. Earlier this year, the stink that a pastor made about having to pay the 18 percent gratuity on an Applebee's tab led to a server getting fired. The pastor actually had the audacity to write "I give God 10%-why do you get 18?" on the receipt. We guess that if God had wanted her to pay that 18 percent, God would have inspired her to do so. On the flipside, a server at another bar and restaurant forgot to delete the line on a man's bill for "1 FUCKIN NEEDY KIDS." This came after the man went the extra mile to ensure that his young son could join him for a Father's Day meal.

There's a lesson in class that a lot of these St. Lunatics missed growing up. Unfortunately, it's probably too late to right these wrongs. Then again, one local news station just discovered the hipster scene, so maybe those coffee shop-visitng, record store-loving mid-day dance party aficionados can usher in some hope and save St. Louis' soul. Probably not, though.