Drunkard of the year: Man with PCP in his sock crashes into bodega
Registered meth labs: 3
Total strip clubs: 19
Most ratchet moment of 2013 (so far): "Weed Man" fought "Beer Man"; Alien and Predator were interviewed as witnesses
Number of IHOPs: 5

New York City. Some would argue that it's the greatest city in the world, and many more would argue that it's among the ratchet elite based on size alone. The IHOP's need bouncers. One of mayoral candidates, who we'll just call "Carlos Danger" for the moment, is still answering questions about a two-year old sex scandal. A place where restaurants scramble to hide their poor grades like frightened teenagers. Where a deranged pervert who goes by the name of "Adam Sandler" (not the real, Happy Gilmore Adam Sandler) can get arrested for screaming anti-Semitic vitriol in Central Park and Times Square, as well as allegedly try to milk the Girl Scouts for $2 million. It's a city of dreams and nightmares, and as you strive to be whatever will make your heart smile (and inevitably fail in the process), you'll witness things that will scar you for life. The most you can hope for is to become numb to it all.

You'll complain about how much the city frustrates you while you're there, you'll complain about how much better it is than every other city, and you'll laugh at the subway atrocities in other cities because a man masturbating to completion on your train won't interrupt your commute. You've seen it all; you're the single composed person amid a sea of ratchetness, and you'll likely drown.