10 Signs You're a Bad Roommate

Image via Complex Original

Sharing 600 square-feet with another person is humiliating enough. Don't degrade your roommate further by forcing a permanent, rent-free house guest into the apartment. A live-in girlfriend carries all the potential pitfalls of another roommate, with the added drawback of having to hold your farts in. Also, having your television held captive by Bravo. So, unless you want your roommate to suffer a collapsed anus during a rerun of Millionaire Matchmaker, you'd be wise to hold on to your extra set of keys. 

Gamers are horrible roommates because they monopolize the TV with something less watchable than The Mob Doctor and, if that wasn't irritating enough, have the audacity to scream combat commands through a head set. If you crank the sound bar on Call of Duty, within three months everyone in your apartment complex will develop PTSD and suffer from debilitating Vietnam flash backs, whether they were deployed or not. Also a drawback, your diet of 20 ounce Red Bulls and delivery pizza has created a couch potato version of Ric Flair, only crazier. Now go suplex your X-Box and so we can get some sleep.  

There is absolutely nothing worse than rooming with someone who never leaves the house. We wouldn't mind bunking with a short-tempered Chris Brown, so long as the occasional probation hearing kept him out of the crib.

If you're too poor to pay for an undivided cable bill, chances are your apartment is worth escaping from time to time. And while you might not mind being a prisoner, your roommate will absolutely resent you for turning him into your cellmate. Get a gym membership. Take a night class. Sling Molly in the parking lot of a Bassnectar show for all we care. Just leave. 

If your roommate doesn't sit on couches for fear that a strategically positioned airbag will deploy and send him on a violent flight through the living room, you're way too into YouTube. And you're a shitty roommate. How would you feel if, while trying to take a dump, your bedfellow dusted you with a fire extinguisher and put it on WorldStar? Exactly. Now stop. 

Look, if you're into movies, then maybe you're inspired by Denzel Washington or Christian Bale. But if you're in the pranking game, Tom Green and Bam Margera are your Mount Rushmore. That's pathetic. Scrap your channel and find a more worthwhile pursuit than ripping off material you saw on Tosh.0.

We don't care how clean or respectful you are. If you can't scrape together rent money, we'd rather share walls with a coked-out Gary Busey. Sorry, but those Predator 2 residuals keep the lights on, and central heat ain't cheap. Also, your charity case would be a lot more sympathetic if you didn't have a fresh pair of Jordans on your feet and a loaded bong in your bedroom.

We're glad that you get a home cooked meal and a long overdue game of Apples to Apples with your flesh and blood, but don't force your roommate to feign three hours of small talk. Oh, and your grandma's catheter bag is in serious need of draining. Thanks, we just lost our appetite.

While this might seem like a minor gripe, being cordial for hours on end is absolutely exhausting, especially in your own apartment. Give your roommate a break from "family time" and take your next shindig to a Six Flags.

On the surface, being a social pariah doesn't seem like a horrible quality in a roommate. But just because you're out of sight, doesn't mean you're out of mind. In fact, it's just the opposite. When that door swings open, a fair-skinned, hairy-palmed leper emerges, and that's enough to put the whole apartment on edge. Don't be afraid to step out into the world, it's a pretty cool place.

The problem with never grocery shopping is twofold. For one, it means that you're eating take-out for every meal and, in your wake, leaving a trail of Taco Bell value menu remnants. We're not uptight or anything, but that half eaten Beefy 5-Layer has been on the coffee table all weekend, and there's a colony of carpenter ants nesting in the reduced-fat sour cream. You're disgusting.

Second, if your trip down-the-block to Chipotle proves exhaustive (and it often will), you'll "make do" with what's around the house, which is nothing. Wolfing down cheap food that belongs to someone else is pretty pathetic. Walk to Trader Joe's with ten dollars, and you'll walk out with a truck bed worth of fresh produce. Everyone wins.

We totally understand why you think you can make it as a rapper. Chief Keef, Riff Raff and Lil' B are barely literate and are wealthier than you for their writing. That should make your head explode. In that brain of yours, you probably have something better than "I got lotsa commas / I can fuck your momma / I ain't with the drama / you can meet my llama." And if you don't, Based God help you.

Your greatest problem is competition because, well, there are 30 million other struggle rappers who are also aware of just how talentless some of these millionaires are. The problem for your roomie is respecting your artistic pursuit, which consists of sleeping in working "creative hours" and mumbling over the "Started from the Bottom" beat into a web cam. Now, be a man and remove that sound proof insulation from the recording studio bathroom.

So the person you're bunking up with plays the music too loud, watches bad TV, and rarely unloads the dishwasher—big deal. Between the forced labor camps in North Korea, and the slums of India, you sound like a real jackass complaining about how your roomie "never pitches in for toilet paper." Loosen up. Your basket case disposition is starting to piss off your roommate.