Review by Tara Aquino (@t_akino

Director: Seth Gordon
Stars: Melissa McCarthy, Jason Bateman, Genesis Rodriguez, T.I., Robert Patrick, Amanda Peet, John Cho, Morris Chestnut
Rating: R
Running time: 111 minutes
Score: 3/10

When casting news about Identity Thief first broke, Melissa McCarthy was still hot off the heels of her Bridesmaids success, and my first thought was: "Holy shit, this is gonna be awesome!" All the planets were aligning: The movie would unite Arrested Development's Jason Bateman; Seth Gordon, the dude who finally directed Jason Bateman in a funny movie (Horrible Bosses); and McCarthy, the woman who seemed as faultless as Betty White.

Only now that the movie's here, stop being excited. Saddled with an underdeveloped script by Craig Mazin (The Hangover Part II), Identity Thief is a loathsome mutt of a movie. Is it a revenge flick? An on-the-road buddy comedy? No one knows.

Bateman plays Colorado-native Sandy Bigelow Patterson, (insert 27 million lady-name jokes here) your typical middle-class family man out of the job whose life takes a weird turn after he tries to execute a citizen's arrest of the Florida-based criminal mastermind (McCarthy) who stole his identity. If you're wondering why he just doesn't go to the authorities, he does. Except the movie makes some excuse about how they can't arrest her if she's not in Colorado, seemingly for the sake of forcing a hilarious road trip a la Dumb and Dumber. And that's just one of the few dingleberries hanging onto this stank plot.

To save you from the experience of actually seeing the movie, here's a moment-by-moment reaction:

  • Why is McCarthy dressed like Chiquita Banana's mom?
  • Hey, isn't that that chick from The Office? Oh, and that guy from Modern Family? Oh, oh! And McCarthy's husband?! They're hilarious! Who's next?!
  • So, remind me again about these gangsters (Rodriguez and T.I.) trying to kill McCarthy—are they calling about those unusable credit cards she sold, or are they just an excuse to include an epic car chase?
  • Anyway, what's for dinner? 
If you must, go see it for the matinee price just to watch McCarthy improvise jokes. Otherwise, shrug it off, forget it, and move on—that's what audiences will do a month from now anyway.  

Review by Tara Aquino (@t_akino

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