Address: 4001 West Parmer Ln.

If you’re over 30-years-old, and especially if you're sitting smack in the middle of a midlife crisis, you’ll want to head way off the beaten the path to Cool River Cafe. They actually import the douchiness all the way from Dallas, where their sister restaurant dwells, but they excel in the balding-men-in-oversized-Tommy-Bahama-shirts-with-khakis, getting loud, and drunk, and hitting on waitresses department. On Thursday nights, the place turns into a veritable river of cougars, so pomade your hair back until it's slick and motionless, and come get some of that action. It is a restaurant and bar, and though not every menu item is fried, rest assured, there’s plenty of grease and slime to go around.